One Last Tear

~ Prologue ~

Natalia blinks down at her chipped, black-painted fingernails for the tenth time this session, pretending to be fascinated by her cuticles while she listens to Dr Nolan's clock pass time. Dr Nolan examines Natalia closely, stealing a curious glance as she scribbles something down in her notepad, quite proud of her notes, yet failing to see the girl behind the pink scrunchie.

Her office is consistent with neutral colours; the walls a boring beige, the furniture the same blandness of varying brown, even the shelving is traditional wood. There is not one ornament that screams bravery, that shows any taste or risks the disapproval of her clients. It's dull and monotone, and looks like a place people become depressed in, not where they are supposed to feel better.

Natalia's thin frame sits cross-legged in the middle of the large beige couch, which spans the width of the back wall, as far away from Dr Nolan's beige armchair as possible.

"Your father tells me you want to go back to training," Dr Nolan states, observing Natalia with squinted eyes.

Natalia looks up and nods.

"It's only been a little more than a week. You don't think it's too soon?"

Natalia shifts in her seat. "Of course it's too soon," she mutters.

Dr Nolan frowns. "But you still want to go back?"

Natalia takes a deep breath and decides to cooperate. "Even in a another week, or a month, or three months, it'll feel too soon. But what am I supposed to do? Mope around the house?" She shakes her head and looks out the window at the large paddocks and the clear-sky day. "The Olympics are only a year away now. I've had too many distractions over these past few months. I need to focus on my goal."

"Distractions? You call what happened a distraction?"

"Well, not exactly. But my dad has a plan, and we've gone off track. One thing has lead to another and it's all gone downhill."

"And you think gymnastics is the only thing you can do to make you feel better?"

"Gymnastics isn't something that I can do. It's everything. It's my sport, my career. It's my life."

"I understand that, Natalia." No, you don't, Natalia thinks. "But what if there were something else? Something besides gymnastics?"

You don't get it, Natalia feels like saying to her. But she doesn't, because even despite the recent events, nothing can sway the poise her parents have raised her to have.

"There isn't anything else. I'm a gymnast. An athlete. It's what I do. It's what I know."

Dr Nolan nods and purses her lips, then jots something else down in her notepad while Natalia takes a shaky breath. She clasps her hands together and looks at the clock. It's 10:52. Eight minutes to go. Please make them go quickly, she silently pleads.

Dr Nolan clicks her pen and puts it down, then returns her attention to Natalia. "How about we try journalling?"

Natalia frowns slightly and takes a moment to prepare her answer. She looks down and flattens out her pale-pink skirt, and involuntarily shakes her head. "I... I can't do that," she admits. "It's no use, sitting in my room, dwelling on everything's that's happened." Over-thinking and relaying painful memories won't fix this. "I need to move, to get back to my routine. It's the only way things will feel normal again."

"Normal," Dr Nolan repeats. "Normal is, what, seven hours a day in the gym?" She cocks her head to the side, and Natalia sigh quietly. "You don't think it's an overkill?"

Natalia shudders and closes her eyes for a second, cursing at the unwelcome memory as it passes through her mind involuntarily, then uncrosses her legs when the moment passes, and gently looks Dr Nolan in the eye.

"Perhaps if I were a normal seventeen-year-old, I would agree with you. I'd take my time to heal, to accept everything that's happened to me. I wouldn't be so quick to move on with my life. But I'm not normal. I never have been.

I'm one of America's top gymnasts, vying for a spot on the Olympic team next year. I have a dream that's slowly becoming more real, but at the same time, is slipping away from me with each second I sit here and try to convince you that I'm fine. Because I'm not fine, and I possibly won't be for a long time, but I'm not going to watch my dream be handed to someone else while I'm at home writing down my feelings. I'm going to go back to the gym and give it everything I've got. That's the only way I won't have any regrets."

Dr Nolan sits back in her chair with a steel look in her eyes, and Natalia knows she's convinced her, not that it's her decision. Natalia respects her completely, but when it comes to gymnastics, no one can mess with that plan. Dr Nolan can't be the one to help Natalia here; she's out of her depth and she's just realised it.

Because there's only one person who can truly help Natalia. And that's herself.