FWFC Cycle 3 Review Book

Week 1 Review Response: twelveounces

First and foremost, I would like to thank everyone for the nice reviews. Special thanks to bentchbites and yoshiro_hoshi dahil sa reviews nila kahit hindi naman po sila kasali sa cycle. Also, I would also like to thank those who voted and commented on my story :D

A little background of the story. Actually yung first few chapters nito, wala akong idea kung san sya tutungo hahaha. My idea was to combine all five MMORPGs na nagustuhan ko talaga (Ragnarok Online, Tantra Online, Cabal Online, Dragon Nest and Two Moons). Pero as the story progresses, nahirapan ako. Gravity Ball pa lang dinugo na utak ko kaka-describe (I have to watch the video over and over para mai-translate ko sya ng maayos into words). What more pa kaya yung classes sa ibang games na ang dami pang exhibition sa ire bago mag-land sa target ang skill. Kakaloka lang, baka ma-hemorrhage na ang utak ko. Kaya napagdesisyunan ko na sa Dragon Nest na lang since Shangky and Dreamwish are our (me and my husband) characters in that game.

To everyone who mentioned about the past and present switching, huhuhu weakness ko po talaga to. The unedited version of the story was horrendous, jumbled present and past. Na-edit ko na actually ang lahat ng chapters, pero meron pa ring naiwan, kasi feeling ko lang na yun ang tama hahaha. Kaya i-convert ko na lang lahat to past.

Thank you po sa lahat ng tenses and grammatical corrections.

To bentchbites:

You're right about to describe more about the relationship between the father and the son, and the woman would appear an intruder and instant antagonist on chapter 3. I'll think on something about that for my major edit. Thank you sa pag-notice ng double past tense na verb. Minsan talaga nalilito ako, kaya minsan double, minsan present hahaha.

To leoconstellwriter :

Ito yung review na medyo natawa ako, lahat ng sentences merong "po". Ate naman eh, hindi naman po ako ganun katanda. Medyo guilty ako sa all telling and few showing. Apparent sya sa ibang chapters, whews. Kailangan kong pag-isipang mabuti to, plain nga lang naman pag sasabihing "sad", "angry", "happy" kaya gagamit na ko ng descriptions of showing. I will take note about the white room and vernacular hang-over sa preceding chapters ko. Happy go lucky ko kasing sinulat to without considering about the timeline. Edit ko na lang and use appropriate synonyms.

To AmberZelin :

Kakaiba po yung sinabi nyo na "catchy first liners". I will take note of that. Regarding redundancy, hahaha I just love redundancy. Pero I'll see about it sa aking major edit. The "heu heu heu", I think I will have to keep that. I find it really amusing sa mga taong nakapansin at nagcomment about it. Regarding timeline, nasa medieval era ang kwento. But then, yung storyline ng game ay maraming time distortions like the future (Dolling with her mecha ducks) and past being swept to the present. Kaya sarap din batukan yung storyline ng game hahaha. Pero as I said, I will use appropriate synonyms na lang para akma sa present time.

To purple_porpoise:

Ang may pinakamahabang review hehe. Many thanks dahil tinapos nyo po lahat ng chapters, pati ang last chapter hahaha. Thank you for noticing the dialogue tag. Ngayon alam ko na ang gamit ng comma at period sa end of dialogue, dahil sa totoo lang nalilito talaga ako dito dati. Pati ang double quotes sa italized thoughts, konti lang naman tong mga to, pero naka-enclosed din talaga ng double quotes.

Aminado ako na mabagal ang development ni Wolf. Kahit si hubby tinatanong ako kung ano na ba daw super powers ni Wolf, baka daw lagyan ko ng projectiled vomit lol. Sabi ko na parang si Fernando Poe yan eh, binubugbog muna bago lumalabas ang tunay nyang lakas hahaha. Staka yung Fairystar, chapter 8 pa lang gusto ko na sya introduce. Kaso lang pag nagsimula na ko magsulat, naiiba na ang pinapatunguhan ng kwento. Hindi napupunta don sa target ko. Kaya tuloy parang nakalimutan na ang topic na yun. Pero, pero, promise i-introduce ko na sya. Also the inconsistencies, like vow of celibacy, Shangky's service and Caydren. I will have to correct that in my major edit.

Also, thank you for noticing the narration style. Yun nga ang pinaka-main concern ko, medyo nawawala sya sa ibang chapters lalo na sa may mga action scenes. Maganda yung binigay nyong idea and I thank you.

P.S. I feel in love with Lemony Snicket's narration. Somehow, books na ganun ang narration ang trip kong basahin simula nung nabasa ko yung "Series of Unfortunate Events". Nakakatuwa lang kasi na kahit seryoso na yung scene ay matatawa ka pa rin.

To ChantalCruz30:

Thank you so much na nagustuhan nyo yung action scenes especially the mecha ducks hehe. Actually nakakatawa talaga yung mecha ducks sa game, ang clumsy talaga tingnan. With regards to "opacity", its just me being inconsiderate. Its a common term kasi sa web development, I thought it can be imagined as easily as I do. I should use an appropriate word na lang.

Yung blank chapter 5 naman, meron kasi akong inintroduce don na characters na kakaiba. Pero matagal ko pa naman silang magagamit like mga chapter 20 pa kaya tinanggal ko na lang. Madami kasi nalito kung ano yun.

To Rianel_Lewrej:

I agree that the start is kinda cliche because of the topic of going to some school kind of thing. But Wolf did not actually end up to school because of some unfortunate events :D Gusto ko nga sana baguhin tong part na to, pero in the end it still goes back to yun pa rin dapat ang reason dahil sa mga susunod na pangyayari. Thanks for pointing out the "its" and "it's", minsan nababaligtad ko talaga. Kadalasan "your" and "you're" din, henious ako dyan. Thank you po to all the suggestions, I will keep everything in mind.

To AsharryAdiongHS:

Noted po lahat ng suggestions nyo. Thank you.

To: yoshiro_hoshi:

Salamat po ng marami sa pagiging saling ket-ket. I'm glad nagustuhan nyo po ang kwento. I had fun writing it and I really feel proud and happy pag nagugustuhan ito ng iba.

To daggerandcloak:

Salamat po sa lahat ng technical issues and suggestions. Yan nga talaga ang problem ko, switching of tenses. Thank you for appreciating the words na ginamit ko. Medyo nagsawa na si google sakin dahil sa kaka-search ko ng synonyms and antonyms. Gusto ko kasi yung pinaka-simple words ang ginagamit at hindi mukhang redundant throughout, pero redundant pa rin sa ibang chapters hahaha. Ang gulo lang.

To ReddHumann

Thank you po dahil ire-review nyo pa rin kahit tapos na ang week ko. Actually mobs lang ng RO ang ilalagay ko sa kwento. Ang cool kasi ng mga mobs don especially looters (ex: poring, kukre). Sa kanila ko natutunan kasi ang fast looting lol. Also, matagal na rin akong hindi naglalaro ng RO. Tumigil ako nung nilabas ang alternate jobs (rouge, monk, dancers). So parang mga 15 years na ang lumipas. Isa din akong beta player, isa don sa 20 thousand na naglogin on its launch date.

To all:

I will do a major edit after I finish the story. Kinakantyawan kasi akong "introvoys" ng husband ko, puro daw intro walang end lol. Kaya I will do my very best to finish this story. Also, on-going pa po talaga tong Wolf. Hindi pa po sya completed. Meron lang fake "Last Chapter". Again thank you po sa lahat.

Oo nga pala, yes there will be love stories somewhere. Hindi pa sya apparent sa existing chapters.

And now, for the best reviewer....

goes to.....

The another victim of the "Last Chapter", purple_porpose . Aside from the technical issues, she also tackled about the characters, the scenes and the inconsistencies around the story. This is my first story at medyo jumbled ang utak ko with all the ideas I want to insert to it. Kaya jumbled din ang labas hahaha. Thank you for pointing that out, Imma watch and be very careful on my preceeding chapters. Lilinisin ko na rin sya pag nag major edit na ko.

Again, thank you all dahil marami akong natutunan. Pag-iigihan ko na ang mga susunod kong isusulat. Salamat, salamat sa lahat.