No Matter What (A Nash Grier Story)

My Bare Head

I sat on my futon flipping through channels and clearing the salty tears from under my eyes. I had to stop thinking about how much I hate cancer. I kept running my hands over my smooth head. It was abnormal to feel my own hands touch my bare scalp. I felt the cold air of the dorm laying across it too. I told myself I'd never wear a wig. No fake hair, no real hair from other people, nothing. Scarfs and hats are fine. I wrapped my blanket tighter around my thin shoulders and took a gulp of air hoping to stop my tears. I sat back and watched netflix on my laptop until I heard a knock at the door.

I didn't want to open it. I couldn't open it. I couldn't let my baggy eyes stare at the person on the other side of the threshold. Then I heard a familiar voice; "Surprise!" Nash spoke loudly through the closed door. I quickly flipped the hood up on my sweatshirt and walked up to the door.

"I'm not home. Go away," I said harshly hoping he'd actually go. I rested my forehead against the door waiting for his response.

"Well Mrs. Grumpy-pants, I'm not leaving. I took the day off of everything I was doing because I want to do something, me and you," He said, his voice sounded happy and excited.

"I'm not feeling good, I'm not leaving this room," I replied wanting him just to go away.

"I'm not going," he said. I could hear his arms cross. I knew that I would never actually get out of seeing him so I put my hand on the door, and slowly let it creak open.

I saw his bright blue eyes, and his ear-to-ear fake adorable smile as he stood in the doorway with his arms crossed. He obviously saw my bare head, but completely ignored it. He walked in and wrapped his arms around me. My hood fell off, and he pressed his warm lips to my naked head. It felt right. Something finally felt right in my life for once since the doctor told me about this fight I was going to face. He looked me straight in the eyes and said in a soft whisper, "you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life. You are the most amazing girl I have ever met in my entire life. And you are the one I will love my entire life." My cheeks blushed like I was in middle school again. A smile finally spread across my lips, and I looked down at the ground.

*****

Three weeks passed and I was about to go home for Thanksgiving break. My director called me into his office, and the moment I have been dreading since I heard the words "you have leukemia" have finally slapped me in the face.

"You know everyone here loves you, and you're an amazing performer, but this last month, you've been getting weaker and weaker. And I'm am 100 percent aware that that is no way your fault, but you are just as equal to everyone else in this production, and I can't have a weak link, especially my lead. We are coming to the point of dress rehearsals and performances, and I don't think I can have you vomiting at different parts during the show, or having to stop us during rehearsal for any reason. Again, I totally understand your condition, and I know it's not your fault, but things like this can't be happening. I need the best performance possible."

It was a slap in the face. And it stung. I was being "asked to leave."

I nodded my head and walked out of the office without one word.

I went to my room, grabbed my laptop and started writing a letter saying I would no longer participate in the production, and that I was leaving. I typed it through the blurriness of my tears. Here comes my walls crashing down, just like I had prayed not to happen.

I gave my director the letter the next day. I walked into his office, placed it on his desk, and walked out. I strolled through the cold air outside and wrapped my coat tighter around my body, I didn't know what to do. I felt like everything was lost. My stage had been torn down, that stage was my life. I had found comfort and acceptance there. I had felt the spotlights on my skin, the makeup on my face, and my voice flying out of my mouth so many times, that I felt like it was all I've ever known. But now that's taken away. I am lost.