FAME

Chapter 11

"And I hate you for that!" I yelled.

"Then kill me!" He yelled, "Kill me Claire. Please kill me. Living like this, knowing that I destroyed your life and you forgave me for that, is horrible. I love you and I can't see you ruined. You are my whole damn life. I cannot live this way! Why did you sign on those pardon papers?" It was his turn to yell.

"I love you too much to see you dead. Yet, I still hate you and I promised to forgive you. In legal papers, I've forgiven you. In reality, I may never." I wiped my tears away.

"You meet a lot of temporary people in this lifetime, I don't want you to be one of them. Please don't leave me. " He requested, tears falling down his cheeks.

"This is the bigger picture Zayn! This is the fucking big picture that you didn't care about. I told you I could sense something. You didn't listen to me! Now everything is ruined!" I covered my eyes.

"Please leave my life Zayn." I requested him calmly, "I beg to you. Just leave!" I cried.

"Claire I lov-"
"No." I interrupted him, "No, Zayn, I cannot do this." I could see in his eyes that he was losing his cool.

Zayn was looking at me in a way I'd never seen before, as though he could burn a hole in me with his eyes.

His fists were clenched, the tautness of his muscles showing through the cloth of his black shirt.

He shoved me back. Hard. I tried to free myself from his hold, "Zayn what are you doing?" I asked angrily but the tears in his eyes melted me away.

"I need this." He whispered in my ears.

Then he slammed me up against a tree and crashed his lips with mine.

It was so intense that I nearly came apart. I was freezing and burning at the same time, the water so cold and his mouth so hot. I was on fire, clutching at his wet shirt, his hands gripping my waist. The icy trickles got down under my shirt and I gasped, shivered, pressing closer to Zayn.

I should not be doing this.
I told myself over and over again but it felt as if my actions were out of control.

My arms came up around his neck, my fingers toying with his hair. I was dazed. My heart was hammering, fit to burst.

He kissed me harder, one hand in the tangles of my hair. His mouth was fierce on mine, his fingers holding on to every hope he could find.

Startled as reality hit my face, I pulled back. We stared into each other's eyes, knowing it was our goodbye.

With all my strength, I pushed him aside and walked towards the road without looking back once.

Walking away from him, I felt a deep and hollow hole in my chest. Oh yes, I had left my heart in the hands of the boy who was standing defeated, behind me.

I fucking hate myself.
I fucking hate my life.

Here I was again, walking under the rain, drowning in my thoughts. In the rain, I could feel tears leaving my eyes and slipping down my face.

Someone once told me that I looked beautiful even when I cried. Is that true? Because if it is, why am I cold and alone with no one telling me I'm beautiful?

Sorry. My bad, I just threw away the only person who loved me, out of my life.

I felt broken. I lost parts of me in Evan and Zayn. It was like a weight has been put on my shoulders and it was slowly crushing me.

Bit by bit.
More and more.
Every goddamn minute.

I lost everyone I loved and even when I'm successful, I'm nothing but lonely. Walking alone in the rain, without Zayn, killed me.