After The Death

Day One

9.11.16
MORNING
It's still a shock to know that Jared is gone.
I barely got any sleep.
I woke up to hearing myself cry.
I rolled out of bed thinking of noting.
I go to see if I locked away my blades from the past night because of the news.
It's probably the worst day in my life.
I took a shower to help feel better. 
It just made things worse.
Tried listening to good music but 2pac Keep Your Head Up song came up.

I started to cry again
Started to get ready for mass.
2pac's song Keep Your Head Up played again.
I think it's a sign from Jared.

I get to mass I see Raquel, Akira, Alani, Emerson, and more people.

Mass starts I feel numb.

They say Jared's name.

I start to cry again.

Mass ends.

.

NOON
Mass has officially ended.
We go outside the church to gather everyone who went to the mass.
Mr. Laging shows up
He said to let out the Emotion that was bottled up.
I cried on Paloma's shoulder and she cried on mine.
Arron tells us that they are having it on a different section of the church.

We walk together.
Some crying.
Some trying to cheer up others.

We get inside and pull out some chairs and sit down.

People go up and say their memories.
I cried a few times.

I go up with Paloma and I go first

I'll write(I don't really remember that well of what I said so Imma try to summarize it)

Jared had the most beautiful smile that would brighten anyone's day.
Like say I would get a D in a test and you would see Jared and he would flash his smile and that just made the day better.
He also helped me boost up my confidence.
He told me I should talk to my crush and just say hi.
He gave me the confidence to say hi.
And I would have to admit it's was the most awkward conversation I had with my crush.
Then I said it's weird to have seen Jared on Friday and then to never see him again.
It just feels unrealistic.

Paloma talks about her story.
Then we walk off.

More people go.
I cry more.

The vigilante ends.
Everyone goes outside and we all start hugging each other.
We talk about how we reacted to the news we got the night that Jared had commit suicide in the morning.

I said that I was in shock for five minutes.
Then I ran into the bathroom and got in the bathtub.
I cried for a long amount of time.
Then I ran into my room and went to my secret stash of things or memories.
Inside I had my blades and I got them out.
And I hid them in a place that need a lock.

I threw the key somewhere.

Pretty much everyone is gone and Akira, Alani, and Jared Z. are left.

We start making jokes and make each other laugh.

Then we started to light the candles.
Let me tell you something it didn't work.

Then after that I get picked up.

NIGHT
I got home.
Everyone was going to the pray at Jared's house.
I went to my bed and just cried.
Time skip of when it's like 8 or 9
Everyone told everyone to wear blue for school tomorrow to show support and honor of Jared's passing.

Doing homework.
I don't like people.
I just had to shot of Jack Daniels.
I want to overdose again.
I'm laughing at myself.
I found my blades.
Now I have two cuts on my arm.
I hate myself.
Why is he gone.
WHY DIDNT GOD CHOOSE FUCKEN ME HE HAD A BETTER LIFE THAN ME. I SWEAR IM GOING TO HELL.
IM BLEEDING.
PAINKILLERS ARE ON THE FLOOR. 

I don't know what fucken time it is but it's funny how I try at life.
I should have never been born.
How could I ever change someone's life.

I'm ugly.
I'm fat.
I'm useless.
I'm don't really have emotions.
No one likes me.
No one cares for me.
Why am I here?

It's likes I don't know what time it is but it hurts.
I guess Imma have to wear sweaters everyday or try to cover them up with things.
I'm thinking about all the times I have tried to commit suicide.

How many times I've tried to hang myself
2
How many times I wanted to let myself bleed out
1
How many times I've tried to overdose
1
How many times I've tried to drink bleach
1

My depression is rising but my confidence is lowering and I think I hear voices.
I recognize the voices they are my friends but they are also my demons.
I feel and hear Jared next to me.
I had a little dream about Jared.
It's starts in the bathroom
I have a blade in my hand ready to cut out every vein and artery in my god damn body.
I put the blade to my neck and I'm ready to cut.
I look up in the mirror and see Jared looking at me shaking his head.
He puts his hand on mine and moves it away and throws it on the floor. Then I try to talk to him and hug him and he just disappears.
But guess what...

That happened the night I got told he had commit suicide.

WHY WASNT I SMART ENOUGH TO SEE WHAT HE WAS GOING THROUGH.
WE BOTH TRIED COMMITING SUICIDE.
WHY DIDNT I NOTICE.
PEOLLE SAY NOT TO BLAME YOURSELF BUT I DO.
WHY.

End of day one.

See you tomorrow.