Won't - Mark Tuan Fanfic (Sequel to Can't)

5 - I Don't Know If I Can Do This, Mark.

'How are you though? Whatever it is that made you go back there, I hope it'd be resolved. I trust you can do it.'

I put my phone back in my pocket and head home. 

Once in the confines of my room, I remember the call that I got earlier. I call my dad. 

"Hey there, little bear. Why aren't you asleep yet?" He sounds cheerful. 

"I just can't sleep dad. How are you? Is everything ok?" I ask, a smile on my face at the sound of his voice. I miss him, too. I miss my mom and grams and even Lita. 

"Everything's fine." He clears his throat. "Are you....Are you ok?" Now, his tone is a bit worried. Could he know Mark is back in LA? 

"Yeah." I try my best to sound fine. "I'm great. I visited Haraboji and Halmoni last time." I told him what we did and about the performance night, too. But, I can't find it in myself to tell him how much I'm suffering without Mark or the fact that I just received a call from Sean. 

We hang up after thirty minutes. I know he's busy, too. 

I don't know how long I've been staring at the ceiling, but the noise from outside my door tells me that it's already morning and everybody's up. It's not the first sleepless night I had, I've had plenty. 

The following days and nights are the same. I train hard during the weekdays and drink as much as I can in the weekends. 

Everyday, I'd send Mark a message. I tell him what's happening in the company, what I've been doing and how much I miss him. And, everyday, I don't get a reply. Whether he's reading them or not, I don't have any way of knowing. I would stare at our pictures together for hours and cry. 

I know he's there. But, there's no way for me to feel if he's even thinking of me. You get the feeling? Like, you know in high school, you have this crush. You see him everyday, you pass by each other along the hall, but he never for once look your direction. That kind of feeling. 

I'm starting to doubt if he's even thinking of me. 

Jackson would look into me once in a while, but not that much anymore. Because whenever he comes in the room, I welcome him with a yell. Junior would ask me out, but, I reject him every time. Trey? I don't go to the bar she's working in, I don't drop by her place. In short, I don't see her. 

I would frequent to my grandparents' place on Sundays. It's also become a habit to find a new place to drink every Saturday. I go further and further away from Seoul each week. Like this Saturday. I've traveled four hours just to sit in a stinky bar and order the most terrible tasting beer. I take a mental note not to come here ever again. 

Because of the distance, I decide to stay in a hotel nearby. I get in the elevator, a bit tipsy. There are three other people inside who are as drunk as I am. Two of them are a couple. Who wouldn't notice? They're literally eating each other up. The other guy has his head bent in the corner, as if sleeping. The cap on his head is a little too familiar though. It's an alumni cap from a famous law school in the US. I would recognize it since it's where my dad went and he had the same cap back in the house in LA. 

As soon as I soak my body in the steaming water in the tub of the hotel, it strikes me. It's the same cap I saw the man using at the bar just weeks ago, the night I received a call from Sean, the man who was sitting at the bar alone and staring at me. That man. My heart starts beating faster. 

Now that I think about it, he looks like that man. He has the same scar right under his chin. Could he be following me? The bar I saw him in is two hours away from Seoul, but that's in the other direction. 

But, then again, there are a lot of tourists in Korea nowadays. Most of them travel alone. They'd jump from one city to another. It could just be a coincidence. 

____

Two months. Two long months and I'm still alone. Two months without a word or even just a single letter from him. NOTHING! 

I seriously don't know what to think anymore. 

I've sent him hundreds, if not a thousand, messages. I feel like I'm writing to a ghost. If it weren't for the letter that he left for me and his things still untouched in his room - which by the way, Jackson moved in to, I would think he didn't even exist. That all that's happened in the past between us didn't really happen. 

My depression is getting worse and worse. I turn to pills since the alcohol I used to drink to make me sleep doesn't seem to work anymore. 

"This just isn't working." Nine trainees barge in my room one weekend. 

"What?" I sit up from my bed, showing them how annoyed I am. "Don't you guys know how to knock?"

"You're coming out with us and we won't take no for an answer," Jackson carries me out of bed. 

"Fuck! Let me down," I hit him. 

"Only when you tell us you're coming." He says, holding me tighter, ignoring my fists hitting his shoulders. 

"Please, Cris," Junior goes to our side. "We can't stand seeing you like this any longer."

"Like what?" I shout. 

"Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately? Look at you!" He points at me. "You're even thinner than an anorexic. Your always out drinking." He goes to my bed side table and picks up the bottle of pills, "You even take these fuckin' pills." He throws it across the room. "Are you trying to kill yourself?"

"What do you care, huh?" I look at all of them. Jackson finally puts me down when he sees the tears starting to flow down my cheeks. I think he has an issue with crying girls. "You don't fuckin' know what the heck I'm feeling right now." I sit on the bed, planting my face on my hands. 

"Because you don't tell us." Junior shouts back. Then I feel him beside me, putting his arm on my shoulder. "Cris," his voice mellows down. "We're here for you. You should know that. You're not alone in this."

"Leave me alone."

"Why? So you could go drink and mope here on your own again?" Jackson shouts. But, Junior shushes him. I hear footsteps leaving the room and it becomes silent. I know Junior is still beside me cause his hand is still on my shoulder. I look up and Jackson is still standing in front of me. The others have left though. 

"I...I can't do this." I tell them honestly, my sobs are unstoppable. "I miss him." 

Junior pulls me to his chest and I cry even louder. His hand goes to my head, stroking my hair. 

"I don't even know if he's ever coming back or if he's ok." I voice out all my worries, "What if he's not thinking of me anymore? I just....I'm so fucked up." 

Jackson steps closer. He kneels and takes my hand. "Let's go see him."