Creative Identity

I couldn't think straight, it was like I wasn't controlling my own movements. That's when it happened. I felt the cold water hitting my back, over my head, knocking the breath out of my chest, tingle of numb, and then nothing. No feeling, no sounds, no sight. Nothing. I can't remember how I got to the hospital, but there I was, under 24 hour watch for an attempt on my own life. My mom came in and handed me a stack of pamphlets for therapy that the nurse insisted on. The deal was that I go to group therapy for 12 weeks and I wouldn't have to go to the psychiatric hospital for therapy.

Dr. Charlotte Montgomery, the therapist, was medium height, pale, blonde, and very beautiful. She wasn't like other therapists, with the whole one on one thing, she had a group of five other people, around my age, but we were all there for a single reason, we had things not right in our brains. One girl was bulimic, another was a sex addict, and another was bi-polar. Then this one guy had a drinking problem and the other guy had a drug problem and what Dr. Montgomery described as "creatively angry". And then there's my problem, I have an identity issue, meaning I have problems with finding the style that fits me best. So when I find a TV-show or movie that I like, I mimic my favorite character from it so I can feel like I'm someone else. So there you have it, our little group of dysfunction. Now that all this introduction stuff is out of the way, let's move on.

Week one of group therapy. We do intros, talk about what we like to do, and just stuff. The bulimic girl, Sara, likes to watch a lot of reality TV and read pre-teen books like vampire romance stories. The sex addict, Madison, likes to shop, especially when she gets stood up by some guy on a date. The bi-polar girl, Holli, plays videogames when her meds run out. Then it was my turn, "I like to paint and watch horror movies." I really hate talking about myself. The guys were next to tell their stories. The guy with the drinking problem, Oliver, liked extreme sports liked free climbing and storm surge surfing. Then it was time for the guy with the drug problem, Grant, to speak. He liked to draw and watch old twilight zone episodes. This was the only thing we did the first week, over and over, and every now and then, Dr. Montgomery would ask us other things, like first date questions. So you can say it was getting pretty boring. After I got home, my mom would ask how it went and I would give the same answer, "it was good." Then she would ask what we talked about and I would say "I can't say, confidential." She always liked to talk, but I didn't. I just went into my room, shut the door, and watched TV.

Week two of group therapy. Still a bit of the same talk, what do you like to do, the first date stuff. Then we started to talk about our day. Sara talked about how gross the food at school was, Madison talked about her new blue and black heels she got over the weekend, Holli talked about her new videogame, Oliver told more extreme sports stories, and Grant showed us his newest piece of art he drew for his girlfriend.

Week three, Dr. Montgomery put us into groups for "partner time." Sara was paired with Madison, Holli with Oliver, and I was paired with Grant. He was the sort of quiet type, auburn well maintained hair, tall, and pale. Not the weird dweeb pale, more like angelic pale. Anyways he was just beautiful. So we just started talking about why we were there and stuff. Turns out the reason he was there was that his girlfriend told him to or she was going to breakup with him. And I told him everything about never really knowing who I was and never fitting in in school and no one would talk to me when I was in high school because they called me weird. Then I told him the whole story about jumping off the bridge and wanting to be someone else. "Wow, I'm so sorry, that sounds rough", he said. "If I went to your school I would have talked to you." Thanks, but now that I'm out of school it doesn't bother me as much. You get used to it." You could tell I was lying and trying not to be all, you know, please be my friend and stuff like that. But in his voice somewhere you could hear the sincerity of what he was saying. This made me feel better about going to group.