Not Out Loud

20 Minutes is Not Enough

Do you remember my list? Well, we checked a lot of things off my list this summer. And it has honestly been excellent, but also a little bit painful at times.

And honestly the timing of this particular story was not the best, but that was half the fun.

Number 28) Eat an entire watermelon with a spoon.

Now, I used to love watermelon. Perhaps it's a southern thing, but a little bit of salt on fresh watermelon along with sweet tea, sitting barefoot on a back porch, that's the life. Summer is never really summer without watermelon. Until now.

(Another nickname for Trump is Peaches)

So Peaches shows up at my door one evening with two huge watermelons in his arms and a huge grin on his face. I kind of tricked/coerced him into this one with me. Mostly because eating that much by myself would have been very boring.

So there he is, grinning from ear to ear and totally ready to commit and eat these giant watermelons, and then I have to tell him that we have some errands to run first. My parents wanted me to run by the store and grab some milk and a few other things, so I had to redirect his excitement into shopping.

It was a rather uneventful shopping trip, which is very unusual for us. Of course there was the usual loud singing and deep conversations in the car, and perhaps some laughter at random things. And even a few moments when we had to convince ourselves not to buy all of the food in the snack aisle...

But that's pretty damn uneventful for a shopping trip of ours.

Now, I am a person who believes that it never hurts to be slightly over prepared. And up until the point that he showed up at my door with the watermelons, I had assumed we were eating them somewhere else. 

I am also a person that believes everyone should invest in a decent fanny pack. They are practical, can be stylish, fit everything you need, and you can wear them like a belt so it's not like the strap will be digging into your shoulder and killing you.

Anyways, we combine these two factors and what do we have? A perfect moment of comic relief.

The lady says the total and I open my fanny pack to pull out my wallet, and naturally two spoons fall on the floor. So...

I make eye contact with the sales lady, Peaches is cracking up laughing, and I just shrug and smile.

I mean, you never know when a really good bowl of cereal might fall out of the sky, right? It never hurts to be prepared.

Spoons safely stowed away next to the salt shaker I had brought along (just in case, you know because salt and watermelon is a brilliant combination), and groceries in the car, we drive back to my house.

And so it begins.

We documented the entire progression on Snapchat and I am so sorry to our poor followers. 

At first bite, all you can think about is how you love water melon so much, and this is going to be great, but also you have a long way to go so you need to calm down and just savor the moment.

You hit about the twelfth bite and you start to realize that perhaps this wasn't the best idea. Regret starts to sink in and all you can taste and smell and feel is fucking watermelon.

Well,

honestly guys, this story physically pains me to tell. It is so full of just blech...

He beat me, and I don't know how he didn't throw up because your basically sitting down and inhaling 10 lbs of water without a break. But we did have to take breaks, stick our feet in the pool, lay on the ground and try not to cry, take ugly videos of us with watermelon juice just dripping from our faces. It was a good night.

But, he had a curfew, so he left before me, along with a majority of my motivation because I was only a little more than halfway through.

Now, let me remind you, I am a small person. I have a very fast metabolism and that keeps me rather small, and I can eat a lot, I just have to eat slow. I can totally commit to eating two  whole pizzas myself. It might take me a couple of hours, but I can totally do it.

So in the frame of my tiny being, how am I supposed to fit the insides of this goddamn giant fruit?

With lots of patience, a few tears, several earth-shattering burps, and much regret.

It reached a point where I gave up on the whole spoon idea and just started shoveling it into my mouth with my hands. I was a mess and a half, covered in just utter grossness and my stomach wasn't sure what to do with itself.

But I finished. I ate a whole fucking watermelon by myself and didn't even throw up! Even though I really wanted to.

Well, here's the fun part (oh yes, there is definitely more to this story.)

Watermelon is great in small amounts, as most of us know, but in large quantities?

Well...

Erectile dysfunction.

Extreme diarrhea.

Profuse flatulence.

Cardiac arrest. (In extreme cases)

And a few other fun things:)

So when both of us have work the next day, which was working as counselor's for a church camp, and when my mom is the woman in charge of said camp, and when my mom loves embarrassing camp counselors, it made for an interesting day.

She warned the kids to watch out for a mysterious green fog following us around (which was probably a good thing, because it was definitely there).

She also made us dance to this torture device of a kid's song called, "The Crazy Dance."

So we had to jump and jiggle and move around, all while trying to contain more watermelon than should be humanly possible.

It was a good day.

And then freaken' little German Soldier Boy says he can eat the whole damn watermelon in under 20 minutes.

Bullshit.

We called him out on it.

We made him try to do it.

We proved him wrong.

And he owes us Chinese food.

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Author's Note:

Please do not attempt to reenact this particular story. You will regret it. A lot. Seriously, everything in moderation.