The Hunger Games - I'm Still Burning

Chapter 16

  You never really know how much you want something, until it's staring you right in the face. And she was staring at me. Big, blue unknowing eyes, which would appear only momentarily before she was dragged back into an oblivious sleep. Peeta had said they were his eyes when he first saw them. I only laughed and told him that all babies eyes were blue for the first six months of their lives but there was some part of me that hoped her eyes would always stay that colour.

Thick tufts of brown hair crowned her head. I had never known that a baby could be born with so much hair. Prim's didn't start to grow until the age of two, she's all I have to compare this to really. I handle her as though she were made of glass, like she could shatter and fall apart at any wrong movement. In my more panicky moments, I feel like I shouldn't be trusted to take care of this person. This tiny, fragile person, when I have caused so many other people harm. Every distinct sound that escapes from her mouth, makes my breath catch in my throat. And it lodges itself there until I come to my senses, realising that she is mine and that she needs me now.

When I'm not holding her, part of me is missing. But watching Peeta cradle her, slowly makes me whole. She already has him wrapped around her little finger, a few times I've woke up in the night and caught him either singing to her or in deep conversation with her. Silly children's songs about mockingbirds and diamond rings or an hour by hour account of his day. He holds nothing back from her and gives all. In his arms she looks so natural, like she was meant to be there. It's funny, she's only been here a week and yet I cannot imagine our lives without her now.

Mother turned up in the late evening on the day she was born. She didn't say a lot, but then again she never does. She only held my baby girl to her chest, a small smile splaying out on her lips and a far away look in her eye that spoke of another time and place. After, she muttered an obligatory congratulations and then she was gone. Since her, the stream of visitors we've had has been endless.

Haymitch appeared bearing a hamper full of soft toy animals. On closer inspection, I realised that they were all woodland creatures, ones that I had at some point or other shot down and torn apart for meat.

"I thought it would be nice for her to see what those animals look like before they're skinned and hacked at as she probably won't be seeing many whole ones in your home," he had told us, laughing as though it was most the brilliant gift he could offer.

Naomi and Lily came not long after. Lily couldn't quite grasp the concept of how the baby actually got out of my stomach, none of us were too willing to explain either. She left the room believing that I had just sneezed and the baby popped out. I wish it had been that easy.

Johanna was next. Then Annie and Finn. Beetee. Effie. Cressida. By the time everyone had been, the room had been turned into an array of pink. Balloons, brightly wrapped parcels, flowers, ribbons, toys. Everything about the room screamed, "I've had a baby girl!" Effie had even had a pack of pink nappies specially made. She must not have been thinking that they wouldn't stay that colour for very long.

Gale did not come to see her. Deep down I knew that he wouldn't. Things may have been put right between us but there would always be an underlying current of hurt with him. Every step forward I took with my life, would knock him back one. Maybe that's an obnoxious thought but if I was wrong, wouldn't he be here? Wouldn't he be excited for me? Maybe I've hurt him so badly that he simply doesn't care anymore.

Although it was great having so many visitors, it was frustrating watching them leave. Knowing that they could all go home, to their own beds and their own lives and that I was stuck here. Because the baby was early, the doctors told us that they wanted her to stay in for another week to make sure there were no further complications. I've never craved the comfort of my own bed so much before. The lumpy mattress makes sleep practically impossible.