Cringe

When I was a child, I loved the feeling of cringe. It was one of the first emotions to step into my life, the first time I felt...alive. The embarrassment of other's self-righteous follies, the wincing of vicarious pain when I see somebody injure themselves, the pain internally was more gratifying than any other achievement that I got. It became my quest, my life long goal to spread this bittersweet pain to the rest of the online community.

The obsessive fandoms: I've seen them all. The delusional manchildren, living in their own 2D girl world: I've seen them all. The fucking furries yiffing away: I've seen them all too. Every time, I winced, I hugged my sides – dry retching away at the embarrassment they put on themselves. "Stop it" , said YoloSwagMeister420. "OMG why do u do dis 2 me", said xXKawaii_Neko_OtomeXx. I turned a deaf ear to their comments. I understand, that masterpieces are not appreciated by all.

All the compilations I posted, all the material I browsed through, the sick indulgence of CringeChannel before bed...they desensitised me.

Slowly, I stopped retching at the filmed vomit scenes. I stopped feeling the tightness in my cheeks when I watched B-rate AMVs. I stopped feeling the wince in my gut when I watched other cringe compilations I once enjoyed. I stopped feeling.

"No," I shook my head in disbelief when I watched a cringe compilation with a straight face for the whole twenty minutes. "Why can't I cringe?!" I asked myself, cold sweat forming on the creases in my forehead, running my fingers through my chesnut brown hair in shock and desperation. My one anchor to human society, the empathy, the feeling.

Gone. Gone. GONE.

I went to bed that night, emotionless once more. I learnt a new feeling as I covered myself in my plain blue blanket. Disappointment.

I had lost everything that I held dear to my heart. Everything. I hung on to the disgusting satisfaction of cringe for most of my life on the internet. Now, I have no reason to go back online. I have nothing to gain.

Or so I thought.

When I checked my YouTube feed, I was recommended a video. "Minecraft Let's Play: Episode 1" by xXxTheMincraftKidxXx with 276 views. I absent-mindedly clicked on the video, as a man with nothing to lose anymore.

I was. Blown. Away.

The trashy No Copyright Sounds house music along with a shittily edited Intro, the high pitched, low quality commentary. The self-righteousness of the content creator in the comments, thinking he was a big boy for using words like "fuck" and "bitch". The sheer screech when he died in the game on the first episode. I winced. I retched. I hugged the sides of my gut for my dear life.

I cringed. And I felt fucking alive.

Once more, thanks to the eleven year old I stumbled upon by chance, colour reentered my sick world. Cringe once more filled the void in my heart, the hole being empathy. Feelings. I felt normal once again.

Now, I hunt Minecraft Let's Players over the internet, looking for prey that have less than 3 digits in sub counts, and a voice of a train whistle. I hunt for low quality content that oversaturated the YouTube scene. And then, I tell them "Nice episode! Keep up the good work!", despite not enjoying one bit of their 10 minute, unedited videos. Why? So they keep making these cringeworthy videos. So they keep me...

...alive.