The Law of Attraction [Chris Beck]

Chapter 28

                "Commander!" Alice called gently down the hall, trying to float as fast as Lewis was. The woman was like a tank, made of stone, and yet Alice could see when she was trying not to break down. Now was that time, and Alice had only seen a glimpse of it once before, when they first believed Mark to be dead. When Lewis didn't slow down, not even a fraction, Alice called again, "Lewis, please."

"I'm sorry Alice, I just need to be alone," she said without turning.

"You cannot blame yourself for this," Alice said, her voice steady and solid for the first time in a long time. It was exactly how she needed to be in that moment; she could be gentler with the other crew members, but to get through to the Commander, she had to be stern, in a comforting way. "I don't know how you feel, not exactly, but I've been holding onto this secret for two months and I felt as though I was going to throw up every single day."

Lewis stopped, turned, and floated back to Alice. "I wish that was never on you."

"Yeah, me neither. But that's life," she mimicked words she had been told once by her brother. "Life throws this at us day after day, and it's the matter of dealing with it in a toxic way or in a safe way. I know you want to blame yourself, but that is toxic. I can't allow you to do that, and not because it is my job, but because you are my friend. You are my family, Lewis, whether you like it or not. I won't let you take on the blame because you're not to blame. Yeah, Mark might not make it, but he's alive right now. That's better odds than we ever thought after Sol 6. So share it. Tell me what you need to get out, release that blame, that guilt."

"I can't put that on you." She shook her head. "You've been through enough knowing all this for two months."

"And now that has been relieved from my shoulders, so please, Lewis, talk to me."

"I'll be alright," she told Alice in just as steady of a voice as Alice had started with. "Everyone else wants to celebrate, so I think you should as well."

"While I think this is cause to celebrate, especially being able to talk about it now, I don't think I'll join the festivities," Alice told her.

Then Lewis asked, "Two months... How did you deal with that?"

Alice half-smiled; she had dealt with it by focusing on her work, and sneaking into Beck's room on nights she couldn't sleep, falling asleep in his arms for a few hours at a time while thinking of what might become of them when they arrived back at Earth. Nothing more had happened between them, but she felt something growing between them every time she passed by, every time she spoke to him, every time she snuck into his room. She wondered if maybe she was in love with him, but forced that thought deep down so that she might not focus on it until they at least arrived back home. Then, and only then, could anything more happen between them.