Loud and Clear

one

Saturday night, well, technically Sunday morning. It's 4 a.m and I'm sitting in the back yard with a cigarette in one hand, and my phone in the other.

My mother hates the fact that I've started smoking. She thinks that I'll end up dying at 40, she makes it sound like I smoke 3 packs a day. Realistically, its more like 3 packs every 3 months. I only smoke when I need to.

When I need to feel something else than this.

I have a habit. I wouldn't call it a bad one, just a habit. To always make things about me, in every situation.

You caught me. I have a narcissistic attitude.

I don't think I'm better than everyone around me though, nor am I conceded, or full of myself. On the contrary, I hate myself. I know what you're thinking, harsh. But it's true. I don't find anything about myself something to be liked.  I've always been changing myself so that eventually, hopefully, I'll be happy with myself.

Just recently I've made the decision to cut my hair. Like, a lot of hair. It used to go down to my waist, and a deep, dark brown. Nothing aggravated me about my appearance more than this mop on my head. That wasn't me.

That didn't scream Esme.

So, last month I went into the hair salon and chopped all of my hair off. Its buzzed on the sides and still long in the middle. Almost like fuckboy hair honestly. But I like it, its more me. Especially now that its pink.

Not my first color choice for anything honestly, but pink just seemed like a good choice for the time being.

My best friend Maeve dyed it for me, because I have the life skills of a toddler. Her hands are now temporarily pastel pink, but we're both content with that.

To be completely honest with you, Maeve is the best thing to ever happen to me. She's always, ALWAYS been there for me no matter what. Cliché I know, but true is an understatement. I don't know what it is about her, but she is just completely amazing. This bitch always puts a smile on my face at any given moment in the day.

I don't go over to her house very often. Ever since she came out to her family, her parents refuse to allow another girl in the house. The last time that they found a girl in Maeve's room, well, it was bad. Let's just say that.

My family doesn't like the thought of my best friend, that I'm always with, is a lesbian. They just think that its, I don't know, weird? Like, they don't have a problem with homosexuality and stuff like that but, they just find it odd at times.

My friendship for example, they find it odd that I haven't dated her yet, since we've been best friends since I was 8. She's seen every heart break, phase, piercing, secret tattoo, everything.

We met on the way to school in 3rd grade. She climbed onto the buss and sat two seats in front of me, pigtails with ribbons holding them in place. I had never seen her before until that day, and I wanted to be her friend.

The second the bus rolled away from its stop, she slowly pulled the ribbons from her pigtails, and let her angel blonde hair roll over her shoulders, then she tossed the ribbon out of the window.

I don't know why, or even how, I ended up right next to her. Inches away from her, looking over her, well, her mothers outfit choice. Knee high white socks, light pink Crocs (a type of shoe that she still wears today, signature look?),a baby blue skirt and an old school Nirvana tee.

I was intrigued. Even as a little kid she had that almost grunge vibe.

Ever since that day, we walked into the school hand in hand. All the way to graduation.

Bzzzz Bzzzz Bzzzz

Speak of the devil.

"Hey dude whats up?" I say into the phone. Why she's calling me at 4 am? Don't ask me.

"Man, okay. Can we go for a drive? I need a smoke." Her muffled voice says from the other side.

"Yeah, of course. I'll be there in less than 10?" I hear an agreeing mmhmm and then she hangs up. Odd. I usually get a 'love you dude' or something close to that. But this time, nothing.

Is something up?