Always Second Best

ASB 1

Play the video sa gilid para feel na feel niyo yung kadramahan sa chapter na 'to. Hahaha. Kung gusto niyo lang naman. :)

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"And in that moment it hit me. You don't care, you never did. You only came to me when you were bored. I guess I was a second option to you." 

Yun lang naman talaga ako sa'yo diba? Laging pumapangalawa.. Kahit kailan, hindi ka nag-alala sa'kin. Kahit kailan, wala kang pakialam sa nararamdaman ko. Kailan ba? Kailan ba dadating yung panahong ako naman yung mapapansin mo? Yung ako lang.. walang iba. 

"I'm not anyone's first choice. I'm not anyone's favorite. People may tell me I mean a lot to them and that I'm special to them but I know there's someone they will always choose over me." 

Never niyo akong pinili. You guys never liked me the way I want you to. Sabi niyo.. mahalaga ako. Pero bakit 'di ko ramdam? Bakit 'di niyo pinaparamdam sa'kin? Ah.. oo nga pala. Priority's first nga kasi diba?And I never became and never will be one of your priorities. 

"I don't think I've ever been first. The best I've been to anyone is second best. But even that is rare. I just want to be put first for once." 

Sawa na 'kong lagi nalang binabalewala. Mahirap bang pahalagahan ako? Masyado bang mahirap sa'yong mahalin din ako? Yun lang naman ang hinihiling ko.. kahit yun lang. Kahit minsan lang, iparamdam mo naman sa'king mahalaga ako sa'yo at mahal mo 'ko. 

"athazagoraphobia                                                                                                           (n.) the fear of forgetting, being forgotten or ignored, or being replaced"

This.. this is exactly what I felt and still feeling right now. Takot akong maging mag-isa, takot akong maiwan. Pero ang kinatatakutan kong 'to, nangyari na. Masakit.. masakit sa feeling na lahat sila tinalikuran nalang ako basta-basta, iniwan akong nag-iisa nang walang ibinigay na sapat na rason. I was dumbfounded that time. Iniwan na nga ako, wala pang kasamang rason. 

"Being ignored by you makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit."

Talikuran na ako ng lahat, pero please.. wag lang ikaw. Kaya ko pang tanggapin kapag sila lang eh.. pero kapag ikaw, ewan ko, I feel incomplete. Pansinin mo naman ako please, kahit isang beses lang okay na sakin. Ako lang ah? Walang iba. Selfish? Hindi, nagmamahal lang. Masama bang kahit minsan, sarili ko naman yung isipin ko? Masisi niya ba 'ko if I really feel completely shattered at siya lang ang makapagpapagaan ng loob ko? 

"I feel like I'm losing someone who I thought I would never lose."

Oo.. naging close tayo. Pero dumating yung araw na kinatatakutan ko, yung araw na magigising nalang akong wala ka na sa tabi ko. Iniwan mo na 'ko, katulad ng iba. I thought I would never lose you. I thought we were gonna be forever. Pero anong nangyari sa forever na 'yon? Thoughts ko lang pala lahat 'yon.. they will never be true, never in reality. 

When is it my turn to be someone's first choice?

For once in me life, I wanna be number one. I wanna be the first person you think of and the last everyday. I want you to think I'm beautiful, funny, and sweet. I want you not to lie to me. And not just tell me what I want to hear but the truth. I want you to know that I would do anything for you. I would go through any amount of physical or emotional pain to make you happy. I would love it if you cared about me half as much as you do to those other girls and I want you to actually mean it. 

Maybe just once again, I made a huge mistake. I fell inlove with someone who can never truly love me back. 'Cause no matter how much we fake it, I'll never be the one in your sober eyes. Because I'm nothing but problems. I'm nothing but a good time and a cheap thrill for as long as I'm convenient. I'm just never gonna be good enough, I guess. 

I always feel second best. With my friends, family,  and any guys I talk to. I always feel like there is someone more important than me that they would rather talk to. I know everything isn't about me, pero kahit minsan lang.. minsan lang mapansin naman sana nila ako. Nandito ako oh. Never naman akong nawala ah. I'm doing a lot better everywhere else in my life except for feeling accepted. It just hurts not to feel accepted by your own friends and family. I feel like I'm an absolute bother to everyone. I don't know what to do anymore.

What do I have to do to win? What do I have to do to beat someone? What do I have to do to succeed at something? What do I have to do to not have someone take what I've worked hard for away from me? What do I have to do to not be second rate, second best, a second choice? Why can't I be first? How much more do I have to give to people before I get something good in return? 

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Kasalukuyan akong nagmumuni-muni dito sa kwarto ko. Wala lang, browse browse lang ng kung ano ano sa tumblr. Wala eh, sanay na ko. Ganito naman ginagawa ko everyday. Lalo na ngayong bakasyon. 

Gala? Hahaha. Wag sana kayong matatawa sa sasabihin ko pero, di ako mahilig sa mga ganyan. Siguro kung para sa inyo, normal sa mga teenagers ang gumala-gala kasama ng mga barkada nila, pero para sakin, hindi. Taong-bahay ako eh. Hahaha. Hindi, loko lang. 

Ang totoo kasi niyan, gusto ko rin naman talagang gumala. Eh kaso ang problema, wala akong kasama. Alangan namang gumala ako mag-isa diba? Well, pwede din naman. Pero ang boring kasi. Wala akong kasama kasi nga, wala akong barkada, o kaya naman kahit bestfriend lang, WALA.

I just finished my first year as a highschool student. At bilang isa akong loner sa school na pinapasukan ko, wala akong naging kaibigan. Madalas akong walang kasama. Kaya eto.. lumaki akong mag-isa. Walang kalaro, walang kausap. Syempre, except sa parents ko. Pero madalang ko rin naman silang nakakausap. Kasi lagi silang busy sa work. Trabaho, trabaho, trabaho. Yan nalang palagi ang inaatupag nila. Pero naiintindihan ko naman na kaya sila nagpapakasubsob sa pagtratrabaho, eh para matugunan nila yung mga pangangailangan namin. Actually, we own a company, the Bernardo Group of Companies. Oo, mayaman kami. Pero hindi ibig sabihin noon, may maipagmamayabang na 'ko. Kayamanan lang naman 'yan eh. Anong mapapala ko jan diba? 

May kapatid nga pala ako. She's 2 years older than me. At dahil sa kanya, kaya rin nawawalan ng oras sakin sila mama at papa. Lagi kasing nasa kanya ang atensyon nila. Pero wala namang kaso sakin yun eh. Okay lang sakin yun, kasi siya naman talaga yung tipo ng tao na maipagmamalaki at kahit na sinong magulang sa mundo, hihilingin na magkaroon ng anak na tulad ng ate ko. Kumpara sa 'kin, siya yung pinaka-stand out. Well, sanay naman  na ako. Na ako yung laging left behind, yung napag-iiwanan, yung hindi napapansin. 

*knock knock knock*

"Ma'am Kath, baba na daw po kayo sabi ng mama niyo at kakain na daw po kayo ng hapunan." sabi ni yaya Puring habang nakasilip sa may pintuan. 

"Yaya naman.. diba sabi ko, wag niyo na po ako tawaging Ma'am Kath, nakakatanda po kasi eh. Kath nalang po. Sige po, sunod na po ako." sabi ko naman at kasalukuyang tinuturn-off yung MacBook ko. 

"Ah.. eh.. sige Kath." tanging sabi niya at umalis na.

Pagkaalis ni yaya, agad  akong napabuntong hininga habang naka-lean sa study table ko.

"Hay nako. Heto nanaman po tayo. Woooh! Kaya mo yan Kath. Parang di ka na nasanay sa kanila. Sanayan lang yan." sabi ko upang palakasin ang loob ko. 

Ganito naman ako palagi eh. Tuwing kainan, o kaya makakaharap at makakausap ko sila mama, lagi akong pinangungunahan ng kaba at takot. Ewan ko ba. Pero sige, eto na.

Naglakad na 'ko patungo sa nakabukas na pintuan. Lumabas na 'ko tsaka ko sinarado yung pinto at nagsimula ng bumaba ng hagdan. 

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Sorry kung medyo magulo pa. On revision pa kasi 'to. Please bear with me guys. Thanks! :**