Moving on

Sacred

I'm afraid of being loved.
To be treated like a god that was sent to create sunlight, I am not a god.
I'm scared of  being the firefly to your child, to be captured, put into a jar, soon to fall apart.
I wouldn't say I'm afraid of commitment,
I'd say I'm afraid of property.
More than anything I would love to hold someone's hand and treat them like a flower.
Keep them in the ground and let them grow,
Admire them without picking them.
I would love to feel a warm body, something other than my blanket or pillows.
Someone to message "I love you" without shortening it to "I" "L" "Y" and "love ya".
I want to stop fearing those that admire me.
I'm not a parent to tend to your needs, to remind you to sleep, feed, and drink.
I can barely be my own parent more than half of the time.
I'm afraid of fleeting feelings.
To reach for something that isn't there or forget to hold on.
I'm patient, I'm hopeful, I'm graceful, I'm kind, but I'm not a perfect being.
I'm broken, I'm sad, and I have a few smudges and cuts, I wasn't always kind, and I'm not telling you to love those parts of me.
I'm not untouchable and unapproachable, I want to hold your hand.
I'm not property, to be abused and throttled.
I have dirty parts of me, I had my first kiss, I fell in love before, this won't be my first time truly loving someone.
I'm sorry I can't offer that to you.
I used to hurt those I love, I still hurt the ones I love I know.
I'm not pure and innocent, I'm not a flower.
I'm loud and obnoxious and I talk to myself when I'm nervous, I shake when I'm scared, and I have panic attacks.
I sound like a child when I cry, I gasp for breath, I don't look beautiful when I cry I know that already.
I don't shed tears like royalty, I'm not a god among people, I'm not to be worshipped.
I'm not a martyr in need of saving or pity.
I'm guilty of so many things, and I've atoned for them trust me.
I want to be viewed as equal.
Trust me,
I'm not sacred.