Loving Cassie

Who I Am

Ward

There are moments that make you think about the way your life is going. This was definitely one of them. Watching as Cassie walked up to the podium in her somber black dress, tears shining in her golden eyes, broke my heart in unimaginable ways. I wanted to keep watching her, to look her in the eyes when she made it up there, but the small bundle in my arms gave a small whine and my attention was diverted. Bright blue eyes so similar to Walker's shone up at me and I couldn't help but smile when the soft whine was released again.

At twelve forty-four p.m. December thirtieth, CarrieAnn gave birth to a four pound eleven ounce baby girl, surprising everyone. Wylie Paige Malcolm, who was now a healthy five pounds and twelve ounces, and the doctor had released her to Dave three days ago.

"Carrie and I weren't speaking when I arrived at the hospital two weeks ago. We hadn't had an actual conversation since before I'd had Walker. She tried to make me see reason months ago when she drove down to visit me at work, but I was too stubborn to hear her. I only saw how I felt, my pain." Cassie paused, "A little over a week ago I received a letter from Carrie's lawyer along with papers for custody of my niece." A sob broke out of her throat but I couldn't comfort her, no matter how much I wanted to.

Cassie

Big Sister,

Do you remember when I was little and had those horrifying nightmares that Mama was gonna die? And you'd crawl into bed with me and sing me that terrible lullaby that you couldn't remember the words to? Well, I've been having those dreams again for the last few weeks. It's awful, but this time it's about me and I don't have you there to comfort me. It's occurred to me that I could've had you here with me, but I messed it all up. And, I'm so scared, Cassie, because I know what the dream means. When I think about raising the baby, the only thing I can see is you holding it, loving on it. To be honest, I don't even feel a real connection with the baby -- it just feels like a parasite, one I can't wait to get rid of. But,  I've made a choice and contacted a lawyer. But, I'll explain that in a bit.

For now, I need to apologize, because when I look back at the day I visited you at work, I realize I didn't even bother to. It was all about me as usual. So, I'm sorry Cassie. I'm so sorry for betraying, for hurting you; all you'd ever done for me was take care of me, give me the best of things. You busted your butt to take the role of a mother figure and look what I've done -- thrown it in your face. You deserve better than that, but I can't change it now. I just want you to know that from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry and I love you more than words can express.

Now, on to why I've gotten a lawyer. Dalton's gone. He left me a week after Walker's first birthday without a word. I don't know why, he didn't say much in his note, but he did leave a notarized document signing his paternal rights away. And I'm pretty grateful for that because I'm listing you as the appointed guardian to my baby. Please raise them like your own, Cassie. Only tell them about me when they're old enough, if you have to.

By the way, I'm not entirely sure it's a boy, so I've included both names that I've chosen. Don't know why, but calling the baby "he" just doesn't feel right.

I love you more than the sun, moon and stars, big sister.

Wylie Paige

Wade Paul 

It had been a long couple of weeks, but we were slowly accepting things and surviving. Daddy had made the big move to Red Mire, stating he couldn't be too far from both of his grandchildren and now his only remaining child. He was taking the loss of Carrie a lot easier than I had expected, but I think he accepted that there wasn't much the doctors could do for her. It helped knowing that she'd brought a beautiful child into the world and that a piece of her was left behind. During the day, Dad watched both Walker and Wylie while Ward and me worked and then at night he went home to Ward's former apartment. Where did Ward live? Well, let's just say that the spot beside me in bed was filled in and warm every night, and I never woke up alone or wondering where he was. At first Daddy was unsure of this set-up, but I think he knew as well as I did that Ward wasn't going anywhere. And if he wanted to, he definitely could.