Reading Between The Lyrics

Reading Between The Lyrics - Chp 12 {'Cause Nobodies Home}

'She sits alone in the cold and empty room. You can already hear the sad song and it’s because nobodies home. By now I thought you’d be home. By now I thought there’d be no sad song, yeah. So she stays, sitting in that cold room. Tears are meant to relinquish all fears. But does it fix all those broken dreams? ‘Cause nobodies home, yeah, nobodies home.' – Riley May – ‘Cause Nobodies Home

I was numb.

The entire car ride home in the taxi I felt like was dunk into the blistering frozen water and now was pulled out as a frozen ice cube. I just sat there, lifelessly almost like I was outside of my body and just watching myself stare out the window, nothing visible in my vision. I felt detached from myself, as if there had been a chord cut connecting me to all feelings and thoughts.

I felt literally nothing and I think that’s what scared me the most.

The ride home didn’t even seem to be measured in time, it was as if I was moving and yet time had stopped still. Nothing around me, surrounding me, made sense or held any thought or point, just an opaque, far away image. I glanced out the window the entire time, my gaze unwavering and unblinking. The guy in front kept driving until he was right out of Yorkshire.

It was then I took a heady breath.

Moments later he was pulling up on the side of the road yelling at me, demanding to know where my home address was or wherever I was going. Numbly I had replied, feeling robotic about it. He looked at me as if I was some deranged person, an alien. Not that I blamed him, I had after all gone by unblinking as he shouted at me, not even shouting back or flinching in fear. No instead my dead monotone voice met his ears as I kept my gaze still outside the window.

The rest of the drive home felt somewhat the same. I just sat there and I numbly wondered when the tears would come, when would I collapse into tiny broken pieces and let the ticking bomb sitting within me explode? Because I knew it was going to come, after what I experienced I’d be worried if it didn’t come. So when would it come?

Getting out of the cab, the driver didn’t even take my money, as soon as I got up he began taking off before I could even properly shut the door and walk to his side to hand him the right amount of cash. I didn’t know why, was it because he pitied me and just felt sorry for me? Or was he scared shitless of my delirious stage? Either way I honestly didn’t care.

Walking inside the house was easier than I thought, maybe it was that I still felt like a numb zombie and didn’t notice or recognize the need to be silent in the still house or maybe it was because since I wasn’t a broken mess and all movements were slow and dazed each footstep was pure silent. Dad I knew was asleep somewhere in the house and I was happy that his room was far from mine.

I didn’t cry in the taxi, I didn’t cry as I walked inside the house late that night and I didn’t cry as I stood under the water in the shower.

The shower’s hot heated gush of water spilled in torrents down my body, on full pelt and hard. The heat scorched my skin, the water feeling rather like flames, licking down my unresponsive body. I didn’t know how long I just stood under the shower’s head, just standing. My arms were so unresponsive that I couldn’t even lift my arms to wash my hair, or wash the water from my eyes.

I didn’t come undone in the taxi, I didn’t come undone as I walked inside the house late that night and I didn’t come undone as I stood under the water in the shower.

Maybe that’s why I came undone once I got out. It was like the heat had found its way through my thick hard reptile like skin, thawing my body out dangerously. It was like crack by crack by the ice that was coating my body begin to droop lower in on myself, my back hunching and my foggy, clouded dazed vision and thoughts coming back. The worst part was that everything didn’t come back piece by piece or little by little.