After Us

Reminiscing & Retracting

June 16, 2016 

It took her a few hours to fully process what had happened. The break up was quick, and blunt. the worst part for her was that it also just so happened to be their anniversary that day. A whole year and 3 months. The longest either of them had been in a relationship. very little words were exchanged. No begging was done to be given another chance. No asking the obvious question as to why this was happening. Nothing was said to try to make this easier for her. Because in her eyes, this is what he wanted. This wouldn't affect him. He would be fine. He didn't care. That's what hurt the most. That all his promises and plans together were just lies and everything he promised he wouldn't do, he did.  

She spent hours crying. Wishing for things to be different. Blaming herself for everything. She was hurting. And she felt like nothing could help her. she wanted so badly to have her mom comfort her in this hard time, but in her mind she thought that this all would pass soon and they would get back together like they always did. Why have her mom think even less of him? So she didn't tell her why they broke up. Just that it had happened and she didn't want to talk about it.

She wanted to get away. She couldn't escape him. He constantly clouded her thoughts and she saw him in everything. Even in her dreams. That was one thing she wish she could have stopped. The dreams with him were so surreal she woke up crying wishing that they could come true but that wasn't possible. Not anymore. 

She loved him. She Hated him. She missed him. She loathed him. 

She prayed. But she no longer saw a point in it. She had been praying just days before for god to help strengthen the relationship, Telling him how much she loved him and how she didn't want to lose him. (Months later she realized that god did not save the relationship because it was not a healthy relationship. He wanted better for her and she thanks him for that every night for doing what he did) But she still cared for the Immature boy who broke her heart so she prayed that he could soon mature into someone better. That he would learn from this experience as she had and never do what he had done again. (She did not pray enough. Because the boy did the same thing months later.) 

The days that followed she was offered the opportunity to leave town for 1 week to spend in her hometown. She could have very much turned down the offer but in her mind she thought the further away she got from the boy the easier it would be for her to get over it. So she left. She took down any social media accounts she had and she enjoyed time with her family, in her hometown. She was no longer feeling reminded of the boy and she felt like she could get over this is less time than she thought. 

She was wrong. 

All good things come to a end and when it was time to head on home she thought she would be ready for anything. But a new wave of hurt rolled over her and she again remembered everything and wanted nothing more to do than cry. In an attempt to try to make things easier on herself she spent an entire night gathering up their memories together and putting it in a box. That was the hardest night for her. As she put each photo away she would stare at them in awe and her mind would travel back to when the photo was taken. when things were great and they were both happy. Each photo brought more and more tears. Each piece of clothing. The Necklace that meant so much to her. What she thought symbolized their love. Was now nothing more than a cross on a chain. and she didn't want to see it or have it touch her skin for another second. it was 4 in the morning when she finally got everything into the box and sealed it away in her closet. Never to be touched again. 

Each day that passed she tried to better herself. But her bed beckoned her to hide from everyone and cry. That is why nights were most hard for her. Because she had to go to bed. And going to bed meant crying herself to sleep again. She tried sleeping on the floor or her living room but changing up the environment around her meant nothing. The only thing that would stop the tears was by getting over the break up. not feeling the hurt. Forgetting it all. 

That's what she did. Tried to forget it all as if it never happened. As if he had never entered her life. How great would her life had been up to this point if she had never met him...