HER

Is it me ?

   I tried to leave her... I tried I really did. As time went on it got harder and harder at this point she was my drug my blinding addiction.  I tried to distract myself with the easy prey but that wouldn't do for me I loved the chase and that's what she gave.  No, no it was never that simple you see she leads you on to get just close enough like drop of water in the desert just to find out it was a mirage. It would give you the satisfaction but only for you to wake up thirstier than ever.  

   I still wonder why it is that I want her. Is it her striking ice blue eyes or that smile that could make you smile even brighter or maybe it's a connection on a leave we cannot explain ourselves. I tell her I am doing fine moving on living a lie with another. I tell her of how happy I am with a person that was never really there I lie to see if she cares or maybe to please myself into making my false reality come to life.

   She's an addiction and of the worst kind of all the addiction of her love without it I feel small. She makes you feel included when no one else will she makes you feel loved when no one else loves. It's as if she does not mean to do it but she has me wrapped around her finger as if I'm a doll and she's my puppet master.

   Ellana that was her name Ellana... She walked over to me with a cheering and uplifting smile as I sat in the grass of the park escaping the casualties of what happens at home behind the closed doors. She can tell I have something deeper gong on inside a darkness I try to hide as she looked deep into my eyes.  She sat next to me and asked " what's wrong, why are you so down". I looked away and back again and told her " today is just an off day". But we all know that my off day is every day... She glanced at the fresh cuts carved into my arms and asked if I needed help. I shook my head no and rolled my sleeves back down.  She took out a pen and wrote her phone number on my palm. " if you ever need to talk I'm here I've been though it and I live just up the road".  She pranced off back to her friends and glanced back accompanied by a smile.

   I walked back home only to hear the screams coming from my mom as my father beat her. I broke down once again. I stepped in front and took the beating for her as she ran to her bedroom door to lock it and get high on the pills again. After the final slam I scurried across the floor back to my room with tears dripping down my face as I but in my old ear buds and put a battery back into an hammy-down MP3 player as I drifted off to sleep with the tears flooding my eyes just as the night before.