Trichotillomania - Pulling Through

Acceptance

To whomever is in the same boat as me, and is experiencing this hell of a problem, have you reached acceptance?

Maybe it's just me, but after doing this for 3 years, multiple times every single day, it's kind of reached a point where I don't see myself not pulling, and as much as I want to stop, as much as I hate the effects that subsequently occur, (such as the appearance of my hair) I actually enjoy it in some small way. The feeling of pulling releases stress, it gives me something to do, sometimes I don't realise I'm pulling, other days I do it because I'm bored, sometimes because of stress, I do consciously make the choice to pull, but sometimes I don't. It's so confusing.

I've kind of accommodated to this, I think it's something I'm just gonna have to deal with. I'm willing to try CBT, but if it doesn't work I'm not gonna be heartbroken.

I think the thing that bothers me about trich, is that I can't understand it. I don't know why I started, and I don't know why after the first time pulling, I continued, I don't remember the first time. There's usually a correlation between the amount of times I pull, and what kind of day I've had, but yesterday threw me off, yesterday was a good day, and I found myself pulling, and I just continued.

There's just so much confusion, and there's no understanding, and I don't know anyone else who does this, so I guess I'm kinda out here alone.