Excerpts From A Book I'll Never Write

Hope, Pain, Fear, Nothing

I'm scared of everything, it makes me weak. How am I supposed to live like this? This constant fear inside my head drive's me to madness. I can't go out, I have lost all will to do anything. This disease is slowly killing me.

Like a slow pull from a cigarette, it drowns me with intoxicating smoke. I breathe it in like I breath in air.

It fills my lungs with the possibility of death.

Fear is the poison and I am it's victim. Battling day after day to no avail. It tears me up and breaks me down, yet I am still here. Why am I still here?

My heart tells me to live my dreams but my mind intercepts and tells me horrible things.

"No one likes you. "You can't go out there sweetie, people might stare." "you don't know what your doing might as well give up." "Why are you even here?" "Don't talk to them. they already hate you for just being here." "You mess everything up, why do you even try?"

I fall to my knee's in panic. I can't seem to breath anymore. This fear is consuming me, taking all that I am and all that I want. Like a noose around a neck Fear has a hand around my throat cutting off the one thing keeping me alive. My pulse fades and I'm just floating. Floating in all the fear inside me.

Then out of the stars and blackness obscuring my vision I see You. You look to me and take my hand. For a moment hope fills my lungs. The possibility that someone, out of all the billions of people on this planet, could care enough to love someone so full of fear. My mind cannot comprehend it. Who would do that? who Would love someone like me?

You pull me up and out of my mind and for a second I feel like I'm fine. You hold me so close I can hear your heart beat drumming through my head. I finally feel at peace as I drift off thinking "I'm alright, I'm alright...I am loved, I am loved..."

But the night turns to day and the weeks turn to months and I am falling back into what I thought was gone forever. Fear comes lingering in like the first signs of winter. Chills run down my spine. I'm bundled up in so many layers you can't see my skin. I'm hiding and I can't even admit to myself why. Fear has lodged it's way inside me. I cannot think anymore. I cannot be. I cannot.

And that's the thing about Anxiety. It's never really gone. It just hides. Like the sun setting in the West. Gone for just a little while but always slotted to return from the east. A vicious cycle.
Hope. Fear. Pain. Nothing.
Hope. Fear. Pain. Nothing.
For when you have Hope, fear IS nothing. But when the Nothing sets in -and it will set in- FEAR is present. And with Fear, PAIN is inevitable.