Letters to the front

Chapter 21 - Back to Blighty

Alice

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It wasn't long before i became completely dependant. My priorities shifted, it no longer became about saving lives, it became about when i could get my next fix. Guilt raveged me, which drove me deeper into depression and made my addiction even worse. 

I had a started a pattern. I waited till there was an operation (which was pretty frequent), took out the needed morphine, then took extra, stuffing it down the front of my far too loose dress, then tucking it under my matress for later use. It wasn't easy, but in the chaos around me, no one seemed to notice my decline.

Except perhaps Gregory, he often looked at me oddly, i could tell he wanted to say something, but was grateful he didn't. 

I walked through the wards, and found myself constantly back at the supply cupboard, which had become so familiar. The wooden door was never locked anymore as it was used too frequently, inside the shelves were filled with supplies, but the supplies were starting to run low. I made note of this as i picked up more bandages, wrapping another fix within the piles. 
"Alice!" barked a voice. I jumped and spun around, seeing Matron Kerringston standing at the door. 

"What on earth do you think your doing?"
"Sorry matron, we ran out of bandages in the ward" i said, it was a feeble excuse, and i prayed she'd swallow it. 

By some miracle, she did, nodding curtly, she strode off down the corridor. I sighed in relief and quickly flitted back to the ward, stuffing the syringe down my front. I thanked my lucky stars no one asked questions. 

I was shocked by how much my appearance had changed, i was thin and sickly, with pale skin and my eyes stuck out of my face, highlighted by dark circles surrounding my eyes. I was constantly cold, shivering and trembling violently. My eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep and too much crying and my hair hung limply at my sides, a dull brown that reflected my mood. I looked ill. 

I felt ill, my mood was black and i no longer had the energy to smile and boost morale, my smiles were weak at best. "Nurse Ally, you've been gone an awful long time" said George, a young private of no more than fifteen, i was amazed he'd managed to sneak into the army.

 "Sorry Georgie" i said, ruffling his hair, "I had to go to the supply cupboard"
"You go there a lot" he said accusingly.

"We need a lot of stuff!" i said, laughing weakily in an attempt to lighten the mood. He seemed to accept this and grinned back at me, he popped his mouth open and i placed the thermometer under his tongue, taking his temperature. "That's good" i said, "your normal, not be long before your fit and well!" 

His face fell, and i knew this was not welcomed news. The infection had almost cleared up and he was well on his way to being sent back. "Really?" 

"It's not so bad" i said, kindly.

"You don't know what it's like" he said darkly. 

"I know" i said. He looked down sulkily and i retreated, knowing better than to interupt when the men went into their dark moods. I hurried on to Private Johnson, who had a goofy grin plastered on his face. "Hi Nurse Ally" he said.

"Hello" i said, checking over his vitals, "something good happen?"

"Going back to blighty" he said, it was many a soldiers dream to be sent home, an escape from the hellish nightmare of the front lines.

"Really" i said, "how come?" 

And he was off and running, telling me all about his operation and how he was too sick to fight and how he would see his family again. I stuck a smile on my face and pretended to be happy, i felt i could no longer feel happiness, inside, there was simply a black hole where my heart had once been, sucking all the light and happiness out of my life.