Stick Figure Anal Sex (My Thoughts on the Westboro Baptist Church)

"I once thought about Shirley Phelps Roper NAKED. Now I'm a homosexual."

~Counter Protester

I. What is the Westboro Baptist Church? And didn't you say there would be snacks?

First of all, that was a typo, so no, no snacks. And ah, the WBC. If you haven't heard of them, perhaps you've heard of their hateful and slightly odd signs (there is one that shows two stick figures having anal sex, I shit you not) or their bigoted and hypocritical traditions. Or maybe even the parody of a Lady Gaga song they made about how kissing will send you to hell. You see, these people are about as diehard Christian as it comes, and along with protesting against homosexuality, the WBCers openly hate other classes of people.

Some of these people are ones that you would expect to receive this kind of prejudice, not because they deserve it, but because snakes like this are still given the freedom to talk in America. But these people seem to have resentment against other minorities that, upon hearing, will make you scratch your head in amazement. The only justification for this is remembering that some people will bitch about anything.

The WBC is against:

-Soliders (not because they kill people, but because they "defend a country that supports homosexuality." I wonder how the gay people in America who still aren't allowed to marry think about that statement.)

-Jews (because they apparently killed Jesus. The WBC apparently forgot that Jesus was a Jew, but everyone makes mistakes, right?)

-Muslims (simply because they believe in a "false religion," as apparently believing that everyone on Earth is descended from only two naked, white, Parseltongues makes much more sense than wearing a head scarf. Have you caught that I'm an Atheist yet, or am I being too subtle?)

-The Amish (because they're jealous of their carriages.)

-Pretty much anyone who's died in a terrorist attack/natural disaster/tragic shooting (their logic is that their deaths are a sign from God. Examples include the Sandy Hook school shooting, the Oklahoma tornado, the Greyhound Bus stabbing, and the Boston bombing. Because the victims here are the true sinners who God is sending to hell, as oppose to the actual killers. Don't try to make sense of that, because I have a lot more to say.)

-The media (This example...actually makes sense. I'm sure God loathes the media. Especially CNN. Burn in hell CNN.)

-Schizophrenics (because the voices in their heads told them too.)

-Swedish vacuum cleaners and the stores that sell them (I think it has something to do with the Swedish government imprisoning a homophobic preacher. As to why the vacuum cleaners must suffer is beyond my intellectual capacity, but logic is not a setback for these people.)

-Polish people (I'm still scratching my head about this one. Maybe they took Polish jokes a little too seriously and truly believe that all Polish people are buffoons? And if so, what is the Westboro Baptist Church's stance on blondes?)

But don't worry, it's all completely justified, because all they do is preach what the Bible says! Right? Totally? Nobody? Hippies.

The Westboro Baptist Church is led by preacher Fred Phelps, who is old enough to play a stunt double for the dried up sponge at the end of the Spongebob movie. He only seems to have one emotion: anger, which seems even more ironic when we remember that the church claims to love all the people of the world. Stranger still is that Phelps is almost always wearing a cowboy hat, which is funny to anyone who remembers their homosexual stereotypes correctly.