In A Box

November 13, 366 days since

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.
Repeatedly, never ending, a pattern going on forever. A clock keeps ticking, but what happens when the batteries run dead, time stops.
"Time's running out," I yell up to Hunter from downstairs we were running late for school and he stayed the night.
"Time's only over when your clock stops," he calls down the stairs, "also we won't be late, you set your watch five minutes fast."
I feel embarrassed for forgetting something like that, of course I set it fast, my clocks always fast.
"Well if you don't hurry we will be late," I yell at him.
"I don't understand why you are so worried about time, batteries last a long time, you know that right?" He says.
It took a while to understand his metaphor but I get it now, a battery is your life, eventually the battery will die and your time is up.
I stare up at the ceiling, praying for time to speed up, praying that I can return to the precious thing called sleep.
But as always I don't consist of luck, and it ran out years ago.
"Do you believe in luck?" I ask Hunter.
"I believe what goes around comes around." He responds.
"So if you do bad things something bad will happen to you, so that means you deserved it." I say.
"No one deserves anything, you make your path." He responds.
"How do you know when the path ends?" I ask.
"When you reach your destination," is the only response I get.
Hunter arrived at his destination a long time ago, he took a short cut, leaving me behind in the dust unable to catch up.
I stare up at the ceiling, looking out of the one eye I can use, sometimes I wish I didn't have to get out of bed, didn't have to deal with the world, but that's sometimes because I know that I need to be there, my family is cracking, and I can't lose anyone else, including myself.
I bring myself to check the time, 4:18, later than yesterday but still early, I don't have to wake up for school until 7:00, that gives me a couple hours to kill. Under normal circumstances I would try to fall back asleep, but normal ended when my father died, normal ended when Hunter died.
"If you had to die today how would you want to?" I ask, it was a legit question, I always asked the first thing that popped in my head.
"What kind of question is that?" Hunter asks, his golden brown hair still messy because he didn't brush it.
"A question," I respond as he pulls out a cigarette.
"Do you want one?" He asks, I nod as he thinks about his answer, "I want to drive off a bridge."
I take the cigarette from his hand and pull a lighter from my pocket, I light the cigarette but don't immediately start smoking, "Why?"
"I want to die on my own terms, and it would make a heck of a news headline." Hunter responds.
"I see it now, 'Drunk teenage boy drives off of bridge'" I say laughing.
"Who said I was drunk?" He asks.
"Why else would you drive off a bridge?"
I never thought much of his answer, I never thought that he would consider driving off a bridge as suicide, all the signs Hunter showed me, I never once noticed.

...

My alarm goes off pulling me from my daydream, I never fell back asleep but sometimes I could daydream.
The next sounds where common, my mom messing with pans in the kitchen, the birds chirping outside and construction going on down the road.
And then Jimmy, "Jonas, Mom, can you help me get out of bed?"
I pretend not to have heard his cry for help, I'm such a great big sister and lay in my bed, wishing I didn't have to leave, wishing that I could've just died in my sleep, that would make it easier to leave.
"Jonas, help your brother out of bed please," Mom yells, I groan and sluggishly get out of bed.
I walk fast past my mirror trying to avoid the monster on one side of my face, I haven't looked in a mirror and smiled since the accident. I reach the door and place my hand on the knob, it's cool to the touch and when I touch the metal it makes mr shiver but I open the door.
I walk down the hallway to Jimmy's room and knock on the door, when he fails to answer I walk in anyways.
"Do you have any respect for privacy?" Hunter yells after I walk in on him shirtless.
"Yes, but you were taking to long, and last time I checked this was my house, and we were standing in my room," I say angered that he blamed me for this.
"Knock, give me a minute, God I could've been naked, now get out," he says with a scowl.
"Fine, one minute," I say leaving my room.
"A little help?" Jimmy says when he notices me standing at the door, I notice the half of his body is on his bed the other half on his wheelchair, I walk over and straighten him out so he's sitting properly in his wheelchair.
I then walk over to his dresser and pull out some clothing for the day, I toss them over at him and say "Yell when you need to get downstairs."
I get a thumbs up and I leave the room for him to get changed, he's always been out fighter. The only one who's recovered mentally from the accident.
"Why are you crying Jonas?" Hunter asks when he spots me outside.
"They keep calling me a monster," I say chocking back a sob, he pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one for himself.
"You aren't a monster, they just can't handle that someone that is scared is more beautiful than they are. Want one?" He says, and then offers a cigarette.
I take in from his hands and take a lighter from my pocket, I light the cigarette and put it up to my lips, "We should really stop doing this at school,"
"Yeah, haven't been caught yet though," he says with a wink.
"Hey are you out there," Jimmy yells when I finally return to reality.
I forgot about Jimmy, I'm just an amazing sister aren't I?
I open the door to find he crashed into it again, I shouldn't be surprised when he does, it's at least once a day he runs into a door.
I push his wheelchair into the hall and smell French toast, on cue my stomach starts to growl.
When we reach the stairs I lift up Jimmy and walk down the stairs making sure I don't trip on anything, when I finally reach the floor I put him in his chair and walk back up to get the wheelchair, when he is fine and settled in his wheelchair I walk back up the stairs once more to get dressed.
My clothing options are slightly better today, we did the laundry yesterday so my older Target clothing that still fits is now in my closet.
After staring at the unvaried selection of jeans I have I pick out a pair that looks more or less similar to all the pairs I have in my closet, next for a shirt I pick out one of Hunter's old band t-shirts, whenever he out grew them he would give them to me.
"Hey Jo, I have a present for you," Hunter calls from up in his room.
"A present, or a weird smelling thing you want to get rid of?" I ask walking up the stairs.
"A present, but it is a weird smelling thing as well," he says as I open the door.
In his hands is a Greenday shirt, one that appeared to be slightly to small for him, he hands it to me and I smile.
"Thanks," I say walking out of his room, when I reach the door I turn and ask "What's your favorite Greenday song?"
"Good Riddance," he responds.
"Why?" I ask.
"It's something unpredictable but in the end it right, I hope you had the time of your life." And with that he successfully closed the door in my face.
Jimmy was already hogging most of the French toast so when I made it downstairs only two pieces sit on my plate, Jimmy on the other hand had about five.
I start eating my food and stare at disgust when Jimmy pours what appears to be the whole bottle of maple syrup on his French toast, I have nothing against maple syrup it's just not my thing.
I continue to eat, Jimmy is today trying to convince mom to let him go to his friends birthday party later this week.
"Hey Jonas, isn't Hunter's birthday coming up," my mom asks, another reminder that she doesn't know that he's dead, that he'll never grow older.
"Yeah it is," I respond hoping she stops talking.
"You guys should hang out for it," she says, I want to scream he's dead, but instead I nod, she still doesn't know, and if she finds out I sure as heck would end up in a loony bin somewhere.
In a way I do plan on hanging out with Hunter, I wanted to hang out by his grave, talk to his family and then that night I was going to sneak out of the house and get drunk to forget about him.
"Why do you smoke?" I asked Hunter one day.
"I don't always smoke," he responds.
"When you do why do you?" I ask, we both have been smoking for a couple months now and I never once thought to ask.
"Jonas, let me ask you something, why do you drink?"
"I never thought about, I guess I like to," I respond, I never wondered why I drank, or stole a can of beer from the fridge every once in a while.
"When you know the answer to that question you'll know the answer to why I smoke."
I know why I drink now, I do it when I want to forget something, that's why he would smoke I guess, to bad he's not here for me to ask.
"We got to get to school," I say as my mom picks up our breakfast plates, I get up from my seat and walk to the door, Mom was taking Jimmy to school today so I was going alone.
When I leave the house I take a short cut, I can't take it when I'm with Jimmy because his wheelchair can't go back here, I cut left and walk into the woods. It takes about five minutes but I finally get to the clearing, the clearing I hide things at, cigarettes, lighters, and some cans of beer, it's a decent hiding spot, and where I go when I want to forget something.
The kitchen clock is about twenty minutes off, enough time for me to have just one cigarette.
I lift up the really big rock that is covering my hole and grab one of the cigarette packs, I open it up and take one out, I grab a lighter and light the cigarette. I smoke for a minute, the smell reminds me of Hunter, doing it makes me feel free.
"You know you're drunk right," Hunter says, we are sitting on his couch I keep leaning over and trying to tickle him.
"I know," I say annoyed that he think I don't know I'm drunk.
"Making sure, I don't want you to remember this," he says, at that moment he leans over and kisses me, at first it is a soft kiss, then it's more passionate.
"Ew!" His little sister says running down the stairs "Hunter I'm going to tell Mom you and your girlfriend where drinking and you are going to be grounded."
I