La Douleur Exquise

VI - Alexithymia

Alexithymia - (English) (n.) lit. "no words for emotion"

Without anyone inviting his friends, Jeron went to drink alone in a local Makati pub. He doesn't want to be recognised by most people he knows because they would all wonder why Jeron Teng drinks at night in a pub.

His mind has been on a cloud of confusion and disappointments. After he saw Mika and Kaizen's photo all over Instagram, their fans would love to see each other more often and wish them well as a couple. Although they haven't announced something publicly, Jeron is still bothered by the fact that Mika has been with Kaizen lately. He drinks his last bottle of beer, then he pays for it, and then he leaves.

He went inside his car and just reflected on the things about her... her. He's not even thinking about Jeanine, but he's thinking of someone else—his best friend.

Mika.

He nudged his head on his steering wheel and let out a sigh. After Jeanine tells the magic words he always wanted to hear from her, Jeron feels that he didn't feel anything. When she said she loved him, Jeron couldn't handle that spark like they always had on their first date. But now, it is somewhat gone or lost. He doesn't know.

He got back to Taft at around two in the morning. He ditched his curfew time, and now he's sneaking inside and returning to their dorm. He slowly opens the door and goes inside, but someone turns on the lights, and Jeron is surprised to see that person. He lets out a heavy sigh since it was his best friend who caught him sneaking in.

"Late na ah?" Thomas sarcastically asked.

"Eh bakit ikaw? Late ka na rin natulog?" Jeron retorted.

"I was just getting a glass of water," Thomas said, and he got a glass of water and put the glass in the sink afterwards. "Saan ka pala galing? Amoy alak ka ah! Hindi ka man lang nag-aaya!"

"Wala lang 'to!" Jeron said. "I just want to drink."

"Really? You just want to drink?" Thomas scoffed, "I know that look, Jeron. Don't me." He dared. "Alam ko naman na may problema ka eh. Ayaw mo lang sabihin sa akin."

Jeron lets out a heavy sigh because he's very much guilty about it. He's becoming reserved because of everything that has happened to him since last week. He didn't want to bother his best friend, but he seemed to already noticed it. He just had no choice but to tell everything to Thomas.

"Jeanine told me that she loves me..." He said.

"Oh? Eh 'yun naman pala eh! Anong masama doon? Diba girlfriend mo siya? Of course she'll say she loves you." Thomas retorted.

"Eh, kaso..."

"Kaso?"

Jeron sighs, "I can't feel any spark after she said that. Even though she kissed me, I couldn't feel anything at all. Walang spark, walang kilig, walang dreamy state feeling... wala."

Thomas has to connect the dots of Jeron's agony right now. He thinks about Mika and Kaizen and that Jeanine just told him she loves him. It is something unusual, and at the same time, it isn't delightful. On the bright side, he's feeling it already. Thomas could sense that Jeron was slowly building up his feelings towards Mika. It may take a while, but rest assured, he knows what's best for Jeron and Mika.

"So walang spark? Ibig bang sabihin nun eh hindi mo na mahal?" Thomas asked.

"I like Jeanine, bro." He said.

"Like. Not love. Magkaiba 'yun." Thomas clarifies and he's making sense into his best friend's head. "Nagdududa ka na ba sa feelings mo sa girlfriend mo? Bakit naman? May iba ka bang gusto? Sino ba 'yan at baka kilala ko?"