Memoirs From Teens

It's okay not to be okay

Age:14

Written by @bellathefart

      I remember it like it was yesterday.  I remember a week later writing it down in my journal, because I wanted to know what was wrong with me.
      The day before the situation happened, I remember just feeling like a shit person. I hadn't been talking to my old friends and I could tell I was a disappointment to my mom. Everyone else around me was happy, so I couldn't comprehend why I wasn't.
      Anyway, the day after that I felt especially terrible. I had a plan. And I wasn't going to back down.
       After walking out of my dingy old school at the end of the day, before walking home like I usually do, I walked up to my tall friend Maya and said, "I love you."
      She just said, "Bye you weirdo." And so I left.
      When I got home, I went through the back door this time- because of my plan.
      I wasn't aware however that my little 12 year old sister was already home. But I couldn't care less.
      I was in the kitchen and I walked to the cabnets. I took out two containers, put them in my backpack, and got a glass of water.
     I went up stairs to my room and took the containers out.
      I wanted to be done by the time my mom got home.
I took 16 of each.
16 to help me sleep.
16 to take away the pain.
      I sat in my bungee chair for at least 30 minutes feeling delirious and blasting music at full volume.
      I remember-very vividly- laughing and whispering to myself, Maybe there's a 5 Seconds of Summer section in Hell.
      Everything was fuzzy and surreal. When my mom came home and my sister came upstairs to tell me to go downstairs-to clean- she looked at my really funny.
      I stumbled down the stairs with her and she says to my mom, "I think Bella's sick. She was just staring when I walked in."
      My mom didn't really take note of it. She looked at me drooling on myself and said, "
     "Clean the living room while we go to the store."
And so I did.
      At the end of the day, the medicine didn't do what I wanted it to do, it just made me high.
      But I'm glad now that I'm still here. I have friends that care about me, and family that I can count on most of the time.
      I do think sometimes that the world would be better  without me though and I'm scared of growing up. But that's okay. It's okay to be scared because at the end of the day, there is always something waiting for you.
      So stay strong, and remember to love yourself, even if at sometimes you don't feel like you're allowed to, because you always can.

~"It's okay to not be okay."
           -Michael Clifford