Skyrim Fanfiction: Keeper of the Grimiores

Bonus Chapter: Coconuts

We're exactly where we started again. In the cart of idiocy, which is on it's way to hell. Ocheeva and Fien are trying to stop me from blowing a mental fuse and exploding in a destructive rage.

"Just calm down!" They kept telling me.

"HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO BE CALM?! WE'RE GOING TO FREAKIN' HELGEN, OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, HELL-GEN!" I barked.

The guards just laughed. Ocheeva and Fien' were white with embarrassment.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT, YOU FLEA-BITTEN BUFFOONS?!" I asked.

"What are you so pissed off about, khajiit?" The guards asked with a smile.

"Are you freakin' blind?! You. Are. Taking. Us. Back. To. Hell-gen! Last time I was there, my head was about to be sliced clean off my body!" I yapped.

"Well...Welcome back." The guards replied calmly. I felt like I wanted to smack them in the heads with the hilt of my sword. In fact, why don't I...

"Esp! Put that away!" Ocheeva scolded.

"Sorry..." I said. "Mum."

"Sometimes I feel like I do have to be the mum!" Ocheeva bit back.

"You ain't a real good one, I'll give ya that." I mumbled.

"Here's Helgen." A guard said.

"Oh, great. Here we go." I sighed.

Strangely, we passed the area we were supposed to be dropped at. You know...The prison/execution area? I didn't say anything, I don't want to remind them. We drove right out of Helgen, and knowing Ocheeva's stupidity, she asked, "You know we just passed Helgen, right?"

"Yeah, we know." A guard replied.

We went to another town, a town never seen before. It must've been at the far end of the map.

"Here we are!" The guard driving the cart told us.

"Where exactly, is 'here'?" Fien' asked.

"This is the city Aurealuce. The King wants to see you, but he wanted to trick you by making us seem like we were going to arrest you, too." The driver replied.

"What? And in case you missed it the first time, WHAT?!" I yelled in shock.

"Some king ya got here..." Ocheeva muttered.

"The kingdom is over there. The King will be expecting you." The guard told us.

"Very nice description of where the kingdom is, thank you." I sarcastically said.

The guards ignored me and walked away. We headed for where the castle was. As soon as we set foot inside, the temperature dramatically rose. It was very hot inside. The whole castle was a sickening gold color. The king was sitting in his throne in the far back of the room. He was sipping milk from a coconut.

"Hello, Sir." Fien' greeted politely

"No need to be so polite with me. You can be however you want. Sure, I am the king of Aurealuce, but they call me the king of peacefulness." The King told Fien'. "I am King Auri."

"Any particular reason you have a coconut? They aren't exactly found in Skyrim." I said.

"Yes, yes. Indeed. But here in this castle, anthing is possible." King Auri replied.

"Oh really? So if I said that I want magical pants that can fly backwards, frontwards, and in little circles, it would actually happen?"  I challenged.

King Auri smirked and snapped his fingers. In  response, my pants transformed into magical flying pants. I am NOT kidding! They went out of control and flew backwards, frontwards, and in little circles.

"Be careful what you wish for!" King Auri laughed.

"Sooooo, why did you call us here?" Ocheeva asked.

"Ohhhhhh yeeeah. That. I just wanted to thank you for killing Insenus. He was a real pain in my side, you know? Even waaaaaay back when!" The King answered, every word clearly stating that he thought nothing was wrong with what he just said.

I crashed to the floor and my pants returned to normal. King Auri gulped down the milk from his coconut. Fien' then asked in shock, "Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA! Hold it! You knew Insenus?"

"Of course! I helped keep track of him when he went nuts! Once he learned about his little 'Exitium' thingy, he went totally insane. Star-Dragon was searching for someone who could be a good influence on him, and she found me. I agreed to help out, which wasn't a good decision," King Auri explained as he finished what was left of his coconut. He threw it aside and it collided with a guard's face. "He wasn't very nice, and was hard to deal with. No matter how I tried to help him out, he never was a good man. Eventually, he got to the point where he was trying to kill me, so Star-Dragon stopped me from meeting with him."

"Heh, your welcome. It was good kicking the crap out o-" Ocheeva lied as I interrupted her.

"You weren't responsible for Insenus' death, you moron. Fien' and I did. You killed all of his bloodthirsty dragon minions, so I wouldn't be talking if I were you." I snapped.

"Coconut?" King Auri offered, interrupting our arguement.

"No thanks." All three of us said in unison.

"Ugh, this gold color makes me have a headache." Fien' sighed in pain.

"Have a coconut! They'll prevent the color from getting to your head." King Auri offered once more.

"No-!" Fien' caught his rude behavior and corrected himself. "No thank you."

"Oh well, more for me!" King Auri smiled as he cracked open the coconut and drank the milk.

"Geez, you really like coconuts," Ocheeva mumbled.

"Yes, that's right. I do! That. Is. Because. They. Feed. The Soul! They're yummy, too," King Auri answered. He finished the coconut and tossed it aside. It hit the same guard right between the eyes, and he was knocked out. "Oops. Oh well!"

He's really carefree! I thought.

The King turned towards us and once again offered, "Coconut?"

I snapped. I couldn't handle this guy anymore. "IF WE SAID WE DIDN'T WANT A COCONUT THE FIRST TIME, DO YOU THINK WE'D WANT ONE THE NEXT FREAKIN' 500 TIMES YOU'D ASK?!"

Silence. Ocheeva and Fien' were frightened of what the king may do to us now that I was so rude. King Auri slowly arose from his throne, then said, "Whoaaaa, the world's all twirly-twisty! Coconut milk can really get to your head!"

This guy's a nutcase! I don't know how many times I'll  say it.

"Hey hey, kids! Is it just me, or is the room going wooooo-wooooo twisty-turny?"

As soon as we saw the strange look in King Auri's eyes, we freakin' booked.

I will forever never think of coconuts the same way.

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End Note:

Um...I guess this is the way TRUE drunkness was invented. Here's a secret about King Auri: He would put his special magic in his coconuts that makes you very happy, but you won't even be able to walk in a straight line. Also, in my opinion, King Auri's a wierdo. XD Hope you enjoyed the bonus!