breathe | r lewandowski

2

"Yeah?" I sighed, resting my arms on the railings beside her, "Well Thomas is a dick."

Dylan laughed again and it made me nervous. I wasn't trying to make her laugh, I wasn't known to me the joker and I certainly was never one for making girls chuckle. I didn't like not knowing, in fact, I hated it.

"You think everyone is a dick, Robert."

"That's very true."

We fell into a silence. It wasn't how it used to be when we would be lying on my couch underneath a tartan blanket and I'd be playing with her silky hair as her breath thickly my chest, no, this was different. It wasn't awkward, but it was far from comfortable.

Eventually, I suggested that we go on a walk. Dylan led the way and I did my part my following her as she pulled me by the hand, my eyes watching her hips sway in her white high waisted shorts and tiny black cropped t-shirt, a huge denim jacket drowning her figure and leaving an essence of mystery underneath.

The walk took us back to my hotel room that I was fortunately not sharing. Once the door was closed, it took a few seconds for both of us to be undressed before we had sex. It was nice. She was a good fuck, but that was all she was. It was all over in the blink of an eye.

I watched her from the bed as she pulled her clothes back on, collecting her belongings from around the room and stuffing them into a small cross body bag. She ran a hand through her hair, kissed me hard on the lips, staining my skin with her deep berry lipstick before leaving.

And usually, I wouldn't see her again for a week or two.

                                     * * *

I spent the rest of the morning binge watching some TV show on Netflix and thinking about what I was going to have for dinner, my stomach's growls reminding me that I needed something to eat besides Dylan, which didn't fulfil my needs like I thought it might.

Quickly throwing on my training tracksuit, I stuffed my shower wash into a toiletries bag, grabbed my phone and my room key and headed down to the reception. I'd been told we were training at a local team's ground for the duration of our stay - which again made me question why we were even here.

I trudged along at the back of the group and climbed onto the bus, taking a seat somewhere in the middle where people would either have already sat down or walk straight past me.

Luckily, I rode the journey by myself. Nobody spoke a word to me but I could still hear Thomas asking for people's opinions on getting another horse, to which their responses told me that they cared just as little as I did. The difference was, they didn't show it as easily as I did: and I didn't care.

The stadium was small, one side of it was a hedge, not even a wall or a stand. Grass. I shook my head and helped the staff carry the equipment out onto the field. The staff at the club were perhaps some of the few I could tolerate for extensive periods of time, which was probably because they were many years my senior which made them more interesting to talk to.

"Have you heard about Lindsey leaving?"

I looked up at Albert, one of the training staff who squinted from the glare of the sun before dumping a bad of footballs next to our feet.

"No, I didn't even notice she wasn't here if I'm honest."

Lindsey was a staff member who accompanied the team on our international travels. She had been on the pre-season tour with us for the last two years and attended to our every need. She sorted anything, knew exactly when and where we were meant to be at all times but most of all, she made it all so much less stressful by being so easy on the eye.

"We've got a new girl coming in. Spanish apparently, so that could go one of two ways."

I wasn't quite sure what Albert meant by 'one of two ways', and I detested not knowing. I also didn't like change. I had grown used to Lindsey's friendly smile and I had also grown used to the smell of sex lingering on my team mates after they'd all slept with her over the course of a few days on the last pre-season tour, myself included.

She was a homely figure, definite wife material and she slowly became somebody that I found myself wanting to talk to more than my actual team mates. She was selfless yet confident and that's one of the things in her flawless portfolio that drew me in. Her blue eyes were rimmed with a thick dusky brown colour that added depth to her soul as you gazed at her, to which I did a lot.

She reminded me of Dylan. Dylan. The girl who I had already forgotten what she looked like. I couldn't remember her features and the sound of her voice was slowly fading from my mind. We were little together and even less apart.

Now that Lindsey had left, I became angry. I didn't want to have to get used to a new person around. I didn't want to take orders from anybody else or be forced to talk to another person or go to her with my problems and questions, no, I didn't want it. Just like I didn't want to be here and just like I didn't want to go to China and just like I didn't want my heart to have been broken so badly.

Yet, here I was, and I was still breathing.

Barely.