Ending Innocence (boyxboy)

Chapter Eighteen

I kiss his cheek with a small grin. But the smile fades when I catch a glimpse of a familiar face in the distance. When I blink, it disappears, so I presume it must have been my imagination. This can happen, right? When things look like they might possibly improve, you can see things to destroy the good that has happened. A lot of good has happened, though. Even with the bad stuff. Aria, Jaxon, and Beth, there has been good going on in my life. I don’t want to add to Aria’s stress. I believe with help, Aria can survive this pregnancy and become a great mom.

“Oh dad, we should really listen to you in the future. I’m so sorry, Luca. You know we love Aria. I just don’t want to lose her, and if her having an abortion saves her life… I think it would be worth it,” she sighs. “But I would never force her to do something she didn’t want to do.” She turns to Aria and says. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I never should have put all that pressure on you. I’m just…”

“Scared?” She says with a smile. “I know you are. But that’s not what’s scaring you. Not really. You and I both know I can go on bed rest. The thing that’s worrying you is Luca. And for a while, I did think about having an abortion to save him. But he would never forgive himself if I did it because of him,” she turns to me and smiles. “Would you, Pooh Bear? Would you forgive yourself if I aborted the baby for you?”

I fiddle with my hands, hoping they don’t see the new worry on my face. “No…” I admit. “It would kill me.”

Mamma looks completely grief-stricken; her face is paler than usual. Her eyes bulging. I’ve caused it. “I… I don’t know what to say. I let my son down once,” she says around a sob. The doctor bows his head and walks out of the room, giving us space. “Since we found you that day… I’ve blamed myself, tesoro. I should have protected you. Should have known you were suffering in silence. God… How could I have not known?” She trembles.

Guilt knifes its way into my stomach. I would puke if there were anything in my stomach. Without giving it much thought, I walk over to her and pull her into my arms. Our emotions mirror each other’s. Guilt. Neither of us should feel guilty, and yet we both shoulder more than our fair load of guilt. In a sadistic way, it’s kind of comforting. The thought doesn’t make me ill like it would have even days before. It’s not even driving me crazy. For some reason I’m accepting that things can be good signs. Guilt, however unwarranted, is not a good sign. But I don’t feel guilty for feeling the way I do. Deep down, maybe even on a subconscious level, I know that none of this is my fault. People can try and blame me all they like, but I know there is nothing I could have done to stop Michael. He was going to do it. Nothing I said or did made him do anything.

“Don’t blame yourself, mamma. Blame Michael, blame Rose. Don’t blame yourself.” I plead with her. Hoping she will at least try to listen. If nothing else I’ll be able to say I tried.

Dante’s cold hard voice answers. “Why would we blame Rose?”

Shit. Shit. Shitty. Shit! “Eh…” I kick myself mentally for slipping up. How stupid could I be?

“Wait! Who was involved in it, Luca? Who?” He sounds so fucking cold. Funny how that’s what registers instead of getting found out. Although, that was my first though, so it’s hard to say how I should be feeling. Relief is definitely there, though. Along with other, less nice, emotions. And then I remember Aria. Here. Listening. Pregnant.

Everything seems so still, so slow. No one says anything. I look between mamma, Dante, and Aria, at their faces. If I was asked to choose who looks more shocked, I wouldn’t be able to answer. I don’t think I’ve seen them looking so distressed in a long time. Not since they found me. But now… now it’s different because this is a revelation that makes all that worse. They know Michael didn’t work alone, and they know more has happened to me than I have ever admitted before. Feeling sick to my stomach, I back away. Still trying to wrap my head around everything.