Love Notes

One Thousand Words

• I CANNOT EXPLAN WHY I CARE •

Jess,
Yeah, I know you're not really reading this, haha. But that's beyond the point.

Here's the real point; I have always managed to make something out of you. I've never not had a spot in my mind for you and you alone.

My heart shares its place for May Belle, dear sweet May Belle, with Brenda. I place them at ease together because they give me the same warm and tingly feeling of support.

Why they love me, I don't know. What's in it for them, I don't know. I have yet to find out these things shall they not seize to exist.

I love everything about you, everything you do. I remember every detail of every moment we've spent together. The talks, the walks, the daylight and the nighttime.

You hold a place for me that nobody else shares. And sure it's because you're special, but also because my sorrow for you is so much bigger, I simply do not have room for something as silly as sharing.

You're the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Harsh, I know. You've hurt me by not hurting me, as strange as that sounds.

I'm so sorry I don't always believe you, and I would if I could, really. I don't want to think the things you say to me are fake as the fairytales May Belle reads at night, as fake as the love your family shows you, as fake as the scenarios I've seen on your TV. I don't.

Knowledge is the most powerful weapon. But like any weapon, it can be used for good or for evil.

A knife can be used to cut food or firewood, ropes maybe to save someone, ya never really know. But it can also be used to stab, to cut or to throw aimlessly at someone out of rage.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you, if I ever did.

I'm sorry for the night told you we shouldn't be friends. I didn't think it'd touch you. You didn't let me touch you, I tried, but you moved away from me. Then you said "I don't hate you, I love you" in such a mean voice, I almost laughed. Then you hugged me and broke my mind from that silly idea and sat with me a while. That night was much better than the last.

I'm sorry for giving you reason to beat me. I didn't mean to hurt anyone, I just almost believed. I shouldn't have, it was stupid of me. Even if it isn't real, this time we're apart has made me realize that I'm lucky to have you at all. I'm selfish, I know and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I'm scared of you. I never wanted to see someone as delicate and gentle as you in that light. I'm sorry, it's my fault.

I'm sorry I'm scared of you now. I am.

I'm sorry for what I did that made you ignore me. I know you didn't really believe I was still superior. I'm sorry for the truth.

I'm sorry for Sunday, April 17th. I'm sorry I dragged you outside when you didn't want to come. I've paid the consequences now, and I still am. Don't worry, never again.

I'm sorry for addressing you as Satan and saying you deserve to go to hell. You don't. I do, for what we did.

I'm sorry I hurt you to heal myself. It didn't work. Making fun of your mistakes, excuses and lies doesn't make me feel better about losing you. I'm just trying not to bear it, to cover it up with a fake hatred hidden in the trees that won't stop blowing to the tune of "I'm sorry, I don't mean this."

I'm sorry for what happened to you.

I'm sorry for what Brenda and Ellie did.

I'm sorry that your father beat you, too.

Physically.

Emotionally.

Mentally.

I'm sorry that your family doesn't love you like mine does. I'm sorry you were put where you were. I'm sorry that you're broken now.

I wish I could turn back time. Because every time someone mentions the past, two years ago, five months ago, ten years ago, even thirty years ago; I always think "I wish it was that time ago, I'd still have the best and realest moments of my life ahead of me."

I remember every little thing. I'd tell you the stories like I do May Belle. She loves you, you know. She misses you, too.

We all miss you. The old you.

You would've cried if you lost me, we all thought I'd make all the first moves and you'd be happy that I did, deflate your anxiety.

I'd have gone first, never last.

I had that confidence once, but I never thought to use it, I'd have to rush it. Because I never thought you'd leave me alone.

They made bets that we'd be different, and we are. Just not like anyone thought; not like anyone wanted. I'd be bold, I'd call all the shots, hold you down, in place, and I'd do it first. I'd do everything first. I'd be dominant and you'd be surprised.

You never really know what you had until it's gone. And I know now.

I'll never take advantage of you again.

I'll never push you where you don't want to.

I'll never hesitate to mistrust you.

I'll never break you down again.

I'm sorry if I did anything, said anything to hurt you, ever. I'd hate to make you feel the way I do today.

Trust me, it hurts more than words nor actions can express.

And I could make it to 1000 words and phrases like these to remind me that you are still here somehow.

I miss you, so very much.

I love all the things we used to do.

I can't beat my heart and mind.

Filled with thoughts of me and you.

These words still aren't enough.