Thunder. One, two, three, four, five. Ten. Twenty. Thirty seconds. Lightning. Sob. Thunder. One, two, three, four, five. Ten. Twenty. Twenty-five seconds. Lighting. Sob.
I looked away from the window. It was time. I turned to my notebook and wrote one word.
Hanging.
Then erased it. Too painful.
Drowning.
I wrote in its place. No, takes too much effort. I erased it.
Jumping.
That's it, I'll jump. It'll just be like jumping into the pool without the water. Jumping. Where would I jump from? My window was too close to the ground. It wouldn’t take my life.
The roof. I'll jump from the roof. Would that be high enough? The roof would be the third story of the house. About thirty feet, thirty feet would be high enough, right? Maybe if I went head first?
Don't do it, a voice said in the back of my head.
I have to, another argued.
I have to, I agreed. I ripped off the first page of the notebook and started my letter.
To anyone who cared,
I can't take this anymore. I know that sounds cliché and stupid but I don't know how else to express this. I just can't live this life. The isolation and hatred, I can't do it. I wanted to do so much in life, and I used those ambitions constantly to snap me out of this depression. But it's not working, it just isn't enough anymore.
I stopped for a second, my eyes where too clouded with tears to see the page.
Don't do it, the voice said again.
I have to, it's partner answered. I continued with the letter.
There's no place for me to go anymore. School used to be a place to escape to. But now, with Jared gone and the constant harassment it's only an extension of Hell. Home is no better. Dad, I hope this changes you, even though I know it won't. I know you never loved me, you're probably happy I left so you don't have to hide your drinking anymore. Yeah, I know you drink. I see you down in the kitchen in the middle of the night, Rummaging through the cabinets to find your stash. I've often thought of taking some but I don't want to be like you. Mom, I'm sorry. I know you try to stop him, and I know how he treats you. I'm sorry I've never tried to stop him; I just didn't know what to do. Please mom, this is my dying wish, leave him. Just do it please in the memory of your daughter.
I ripped out the paper and folded it, placing it on my bed. I walked to the window and looked back. This is the last time I'll sleep in that bed. The last time I'll sit in that chair. I opened the window and climbed out onto the ledge. I walked through the rain, sobbing; my body lurching forward in awkward movements because of it.
Thunder. One, two, three, four, five. Ten seconds. Lightning.
Don't do it, the voice pleaded once again.
I have to, the other insisted.
I walked to the end of the ledge where the roof above was the lowest and reached up; pulling myself on top. I walked up the roof, heading towards the center where it peaked.
Don't do it, the voice begged.
Thunder. One, two, three, four, five seconds. Lightning.
"I have to," I whispered taking the last view steps at a run.
Jump. One, two, three.
