I remember the first time I saw her. I mean, really, saw her, where I looked into her eyes, and she looked into mine. It wasn't like the numerous fleeting glances between us. It was on our 8th grade graduation. My dad, being the temperamental person he was, almost crashed into her car on the way to the venue. Our cars stopped next to each other at the signal, and she looked into mine through her window. She looked gorgeous. She didn't seem as if she wore much makeup, her hair was straightened (a change from her usual curly mane) and she had a pretty white clip in it. Her eyes widened slightly as she saw me, and for the first time, I looked at her.
Our families went to the same Mosque, and while our fathers weren't particularly fond of each other, our mum's wouldn't stop talking. Like any kids, we smiled and bore through it as our mothers seemed to talk for hours, yet we never once dared to look up at each other. Frequent unscheduled meetings like that took up our summer before high school started, and maybe it was just me, but she never looked happy. In her eyes, I mean. She was an expert at smiling and hiding her feelings.
Grade 9 went and came, we didn't have classes together, and thus never talked.
Grade 10 was when it all happened. The beginning of this particular year was a mess, the main computer which contained everyone's schedules crashed over the summer, leaving the counsellors to remake all the schedules, and our school wasn't small either. A week into school, she was transferred to my gym class. I watched as she walked with our teacher to where the rest of us were. She smiled at a mutual friend of ours, and sat next to them. I also noticed she wore leggings, unlike the rest of the girls who wore shorts. Strict Muslim parents. Over the next few days, I noticed something odd. She looked athletic and I remember her being the captain of the field hockey team, but she couldn't run for very long, or at all. She ended up limping and pain was evident in her face. I looked on as she told the teacher, and I saw his disbelieving face. She went to a sports specialist a couple weeks later, and found out that she had tendonitis and bursitis in her left hip. She coached the class for the remainder of the semester. Towards the end of the year, she tried participating a little. It was our soccer unit and the class was divided into 4 teams, each with a captain. The captain was just someone with previous soccer experience. 5 people in the class were experienced with soccer, and so, me and her were put into the same team. She seemed to be going through something during this time, her eyes showed how sad and tired she really was. A nonchalant comment from me to the rest of team about speeding up was timed wrong, as she was doing the exercise at that time. She was trying her best, and everyone saw that considering she didn't need to do anything, but still tried. She looked at me with anger and snapped at me. I apologized and explained that I obviously didn't mean her, and I saw her eyes soften, as well as a bit of regret in them. She just looked down and continued with the exercise. I didn't know, but after that, she used to stop the class when they talked shit about me, and actually make them think otherwise. The semester's final class came, and all the gym classes joined to play a huge game of fireball. I remember we had a small competition, exclusively between the two of us during this game, whoever could get the other person out the most, won. I was focusing on getting one of the guys out, when I felt something hit me on my hip, I turned and saw her smiling triumphantly, and less than a second after that, the same guy I was trying to get out, hit her. She pouted while she slowly sat down, and I laughed and got back into the game. To this day, I remember that smile she gave me. For once, she looked happy. For once, she looked like she didn't have a million things weighing her down. And with that, our one class together ended.
A couple months, a friend of mine came up to me and asked what I thought of her. I don't know what got into me when I answered, because if I could go back and change what I said, I would in a heartbeat. He told me off, he said she was really chill and in that moment, I regretted everything, because I know she was. I know that she was going through shit at that time, and still. I know she's the coolest chick I'd probably ever know. I know she had a widely known reputation for having the sickest music. She was gorgeous, had an amazing body. And she was smart. Oh my god, she's so smart. She graduated two years early. She graduated when she was 16. I saw him walk off, and straight to her. I saw how her face fell when he told her. I saw how her eyes went back to what they used to be. Dead. And I caused that. I regretted it so much.
A couple months later, one of her best friends, told my good friend that she was still into me. Even after I hurt her with the shit I said, she was still into me. My guy friends soon found out too, and being the dicks they are, made fun of her. She found out that they planned to mess with her, and for the second time, I saw her eyes lose their life. For the second time, I caused it. I don't know why I didn't stop them. When it came to her, I always made the worst decisions.
It's now a year later. She worked her ass off this year. Word got around fast that she was taking 10 courses, when we were only allowed 8. They weren't easy courses either. All of them were advanced courses and most were AP as well. You rarely saw not studying. The dark circles under her eyes increased by tenfold, but she still always tried to cover them. She remained gorgeous through everything. And on her graduation day, she looked breathtaking. And she looked happy. Her eyes twinkled. And she shone. She got multiple scholarship offers, and an amazing scholarship to University of Toronto. I apologized for everything, and talked it out with her. She forgave me. I don't know why she forgave me. If I was her, I definitely wouldn't have. But that's the thing. I'm not her. She's her for a reason. She's the most amazing person I've ever known, and I know for a fact, this isn't the end for us. But for now, I need to become worthy of her. For everything she went through, for everything I put her through, for everything she forgave me for, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you. Thank you for that too.
