A Court of Dreams and Nightmares

Chapter 2

Feyre

It had been five days since Hybern. Five days since my entire existence had been turned upside-down once again. Five days since I had felt the touch of Rhys. Laughed with him, felt his strong hands on my body while we made love under the stars. I groaned, sending a trickle of my raving desire down the mating bond. I needed him to know just how much I missed him. A rumbling echoed back, wild and dark. I smiled to myself. He had definitely felt that one.

I gathered my thoughts, before I walked downstairs, where Lucien and Tamlin waited at breakfast. Tamlin's eyes lit as I entered the room, while Lucien gave me a stiff smile, obviously trying hard to hide his reservations towards me, for Tamlin's sake. I could see right through that façade, but I let him be – for now. "Are you all right" Tamlin asked me as a way of greeting. I bristled and I suddenly wanted to scream at him. No I was not alright. His bargain with the king of Hybern had destroyed my family, both of blood and of choice.

Instead, I gave him a smile. "I am fine. I just went to the studio, to see if there were any paint left." Tamlin's brows rose. "You are painting again?" His voice sounded incredulous and infinitely pleased. Good. He took my painting as a sign of healing, since I had not been able to paint during those dark months after Under the Mountain.

I smiled at him, "Not yet, but I feel the colours in my mind again." My lie was as flawless as the pretty, pink dress I had put on today, with the help of my new maid. I had not yet asked what happened to Alis. I did not want to break the truce between us – not yet.

"Tomorrow I was thinking we could go for a ride, maybe visit the meadow again" Tamlin said, while digging into his breakfast.

The meadow – another day of doing nothing but pretend to be the submissive female. I forced my eyes to shine as I looked at him, "why not today?" I asked innocently.

"I have a meeting" his eyes tensed for a fracture of a second "but it will not hold me here for long and then I am all yours." His last words should have sent a hot fire burning through my body, instead I felt sick. Murderer my mind whispered.

"I could join you, you know" I said carefully, "I've rested enough. I want to begin planning the rescue of Nesta and Elain."

Lucien's eyes snapped to my face at the mention of Elain, his mate. A feral gleam shone in his eye and his metal eye focused solely on Tamlin, tension rolling off Lucien in waves. Interesting. It seemed Lucien had already tried to convince Tamlin to let him go save Elain, but since nothing had happened, I could only assume that Tamlin had forbidden it.

I continued, lining my sweet tone with just a slight notion of steel. "I want them to pay, Tamlin. For what was done to me and to you. For the suffering we had to endure." I purposely did not specify who 'they' were. "I know. They will, I promise you."

He hesitated looking down at my hand where a swirling black pattern had been inked into my skin, only to be removed by the breaking of the bargain between Rhysand and me.

"I am not his anymore." My voice had cooled.

"I know." Tamlin straightened, "and I promised to try, and so I will. You cannot join me today, but I promise that we will talk tomorrow. Make plans." His voice became a command. "Lucien, take care of Feyre today. Make sure she is not alone." My back stiffened, as did Lucien's. I groaned internally, not looking forward to a day filled with Lucien's constant scrutiny. Lucien just looked at me, devoid of feeling. A small part of me longed for the friendship we had once shared, the friendly banter and snarky comments. Another part of me wanted to scream at him for not standing up for me, for himself, against Tamlin's misguided protection.

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"Tell me, Feyre, was it easy pointing that arrow at me back in those mountains?" Lucien's voice sounded strained. We had been walking the gardens in silence, enveloped in the light smell of roses for the past hour. "Or throwing that knife at Tamlin when we were at Hybern?" His metal eye fixed on me, as if he could see through my carefully orchestrated half-truths.

"Lucien, you know that I could not control myself." I sighed, making sure my mental shields were intact, just in case. "I have..."

"You lie" He interrupted calmly. Too calm. I looked at him putting every bit of innocence and bewilderment into my eyes, "Why won't you believe me?" My eyes glistened with fake tears and I actually felt sick about having to act this way. I wanted to loosen the power in my veins and unleash myself on the world.

"I saw you in those woods. You were ready to kill me. For him, you would have done it. I was your friend and you turned on me, with no sign of regret or struggle." His voice rose a bit, almost growling in my face. "At Hybern, I watched you. You were cornered, weeping for that BEAST and his wings, for the shadowsinger and that entire court. When you freed yourself from Rhysand, your first instinct was to protect that court. Keep them from harm. You even let them take off with your sisters, without reacting. So don't tell me, that you do not keep secrets, Feyre. Don't tell me that your allegiances have not changed. Your bargain may be broken, but you do not belong to the spring court." Lucien shook with pent-up anger, keeping both eyes on me.

I wanted to laugh right into his face and show him what the high lady of the night court could do. I felt the shadows gathering in my mind, ready to be wielded. The power was so alluring that I almost yielded to it, but as his words sunk in, I saw a city of starlight, before my eyes, and afterwards, mental images of Mor, Amren, Azriel, Cassian and lastly Rhys. My vision filled with images of my court, of home. I had to carry on, be the spy they needed to defeat the threat towards Prythian.

I gave Lucien a velvet smile, releasing some of that anger that I had such difficulties containing, "You do not know me. You knew Feyre the human, but once I turned, you ignored who I was, clinging to that innocent girl who needed protection. You betrayed my friendship in those long months after Under the Mountain. You watched me suffer and did nothing. Your loyalty for Tamlin would have killed me." I hissed. "I was wasting away! At least Rhysand had the courtesy of taking me out, even if it was just to use me." Lucien cringed away from my anger, which was only rising.

"I shattered into a million pieces, and when I returned, I was in a different court, with strange people, but at least I felt free."

Lucien just stared at me, wide-eyed, with an unreadable expression. "Feyre, I am sorry for how I behaved. How we both behaved." He said, apologising for Tamlin too, as if they were one and the same. "But you must try to understand me. Tamlin is my high lord. He has done more for me than anyone in this world." His shoulders slackened as he continued. "I know you are angry. That anger scares me and I can see it growing. I don't know how, or why, but I can." He straightened again. "I cannot figure you out and until I trust you again, I will not stop watching." He looked determined, yet infinitely sad as he turned his back on me and left the garden.

I shook myself, trying to make sense of Lucien and his behaviour. I could not understand him, but I had to figure him out, if I were to have any chance of destroying the spring court from within. His mating bond with Elain was just another piece of the puzzle that I would have to take into account.

Seeing that Lucien obviously had no intention of spending the day with me, despite Tamlin's orders, I retreated to the studio, where I slapped some paint on canvas, not really caring how it looked or what I painted. I just needed the excuse to be alone. In there, no one watched me, which meant that I could begin using my powers, at least small portions of it, to keep up my training.

In the evening, Tamlin returned and after an excrusiating dinner with too many niceties, I retired early, claiming that I was tired and had a headache. Tamlin looked at me with such tenderness that my blood began to boil and I went to bed feeling restless and homesick.