CHAPTER 1: Rock in Rio
We had just finished Rock in Rio. It was fucking amazing!! That is until we had to perform. I hate going on stage without my brother. I mean I have so much fun with the other guys...but looking back and seeing Arin, it pisses me off, I just want to run back there and rip his head off, I don’t like him, not one bit. He’s helping us? Yeah right. He’s trying to take Jimmy’s spot.
I broke on stage during Fiction. I could barely even play my guitar, I tried holding back my tears but they came out anyway and I had to walk off stage for a minute, but I knew I had to be out there to sing along with Jimmy’s part because he needs to hear it. Same with my solos...he has to hear it all the way in heaven.
You know, I tried to be happy, especially during nightmare. I tried so hard to be happy but…come on, I had to walk off stage in front of so many fans, I’m pretty disappointed in myself, but I couldn’t help it. The fans started chanting “SYNYSTER, SYNYSTER!” I know they are there for me, and they feel my pain, they’d do anything for me...but I want them to do the impossible…and they can’t…they can’t bring Jimmy back...
And Zacky, oh Zacky, bless his heart. He knows I love him, I love him so very much…but he can’t bring my brother back either. Johnny *laughs a little* he just tries to keep stuff happy and joyful *shakes head* but usually it just back fires right in his face, but he tries anyway...
“And Arin.” I start grinding my teeth, and clenching my fists as someone walks into the room. “He comes in here all happy and shit like we still weren’t hurting…and trying to do shit the Rev had don-“
“Brian, he’s young, he doesn’t understand” I felt a hand on my shoulder and I look up and realize I said that about Arin out loud, right infront of Matt.
“Brian” matt says “You’re beating yourself up over something that wasn’t your fault.”
“IT WAS MY FAULT!” I broke down, “I was supposed to go over that day..but I didn’t because I didn’t feel good..and wanted to sleep. I wanted to fucking sleep. I could have gotten him help sooner...HE COULD HAVE STILL BEEN HERE IN STEAD OF ARIN” I screamed and lunged as Arin was walking into the room. I start wailing on him and he yells for me to stop. Matt pulls me off of him and slams me down and holds me there as Zacky tries to talk to me. Johnny runs over to check Arin. Zacky and Matt start to fade in and out as I fade into a daze, their voices become silent and I lose sight of them.
“Jimmy would be pissed at me right now...” I thought to myself. “I’m so fucking..fucked. I’m sad and depressed. He always wanted us to be happy and he made damn sure we was no matter what he had to do.” I smilled a little then frowned “ but I cant help it, I need him here to be happy. My mind wandered to Jimmy's funeral...
“He was my best friend, my brother” I stood in front of everyone, “I did everything with Jimmy...We never left each other’s side and if we did it wasn’t for long. I remember he used to chase us down the road with his hands high in the air and flopping around...and we thought we were cool for stealing beer and smoking cigarettes, I still smoke 'til this day. Marlboros were the first cigs me and jimmy tried together. We didn’t want any other kind. That’s why its tattooed here” I hold my hands out in fists so they could see, I smiled a little and then I laughed and looked down a little as I brought my arms down to the stand “I remember walking in the park one day and Jimmy saw this huge duck,” I looked up to see the guys and others start to smile “and he started running after it and he’s like “LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT FUCKING DUCK! LOOK AT THAT DUCK! JESUS CHRIST! COME HERE YOU FUCKING, STALLION DUCK…. HES NOT AFRAID AT ALL, HES NOT AFRAID AT ALL, HES NOT AFRAID AT ALL!! That’s the biggest fucking duck I’ve ever seen in my life”. Oh my god it was amazing, it was so funny to watch him trip out like that over this huge ass duck. It’s a day I will NEVER forget. Then there was that time where he talked about the knife master...and I remember going up and getting shots one time and here comes the rev sliding across the floor and hitting my legs” I laugh “and just jumps back up like he wasn’t drunk or anything.” I shook my head, “He was the best man on my side at me and Zacks wedding.” I said looking to Zack for comfort, he gave me that gorgeous smile of his. “Matt was for his side, and Johnny begged to be the ring bearer, such a goof, I swear” I say looking at Johnny and laughing a little with him. Then I put my head down and kick my foot a little. “..I don’t know...” I paused… “We had a lot of good times...and I’m sure going to miss him” I said with tears welling up. I walk over and put my rose on his coffin and take my seat. I couldn’t say anything else or I would have completely lost it, and everyone understood. They knew I had so much to say and that I just couldn’t.
I started coming back to reality and found myself sitting up with Zacky in front of me. I looked him in the eyes.
“Baby are you okay?” he asks concerned, but I can’t stay focused enough to answer him... I gave him a little smile and looked over at Arin who was bleeding from the nose and mouth and he had that look on his face of pure confusion...I dazed out again thinking about our performance.
During the rest of the set I pretty much just tried to keep playing and stay composed. Some of my solos I would go up beside Zacky and try to be happy and try to get pumped up. I play my solo loud so I know Jimmy can hear it. Matt keeps looking over at me during the songs to make sure I’m doing okay. I’m not, but I play anyway for our fans.
The crowd sings the last of nightmare and it brings a feeling of happiness to me for a second, but it’s just not the same. Yeah...This means war. I’m trying harder now to be happy. It’s kind of working. Huh. I give a little smirk. I look over at Zacky and DAMN! He is sexy! I love this song and Zack does so fucking well its hard not to be happy for a minute. I again play my solo for Jimmy… I love them and so did he. This is for you Jimmy!
Playing beside Zacky in front of millions of fans always sends chills down my spine. I love it because the whole world knows he’s mine, and the fan girls...they go insane.
I know I make Zacky mad sometimes; he doesn’t seem to understand why I can’t just be happy. He wants to help but doesn’t know how...Zack comes over to help me during Jimmy’s part in afterlife…my solo though...and the way Matt shook his head, hilarious. And Fiction...I’ve already talked about that. Requiem is Matt’s favorite song, he gets so into it, it’s amazing. I just wish I could. I’m just concentrating on singing and playing it right, and I go all out on the solo, like always. Johnny’s such a gnome I swear, but he’s so adorable.
You could hear the hurt in my voice when I sang…but I had to keep going for the fans, I love them.
I hate when Arin plays while Matt’s talking…just stop...me and Zacky jump pass each other on stage and I jump up onto his podium and stick my tongue out a bit to make the girls lose it, it’s such a great feeling.
I try pumping it up on the last song to make sure the fans know I still love them. They deserved a better performance from me...but over all we still kicked ass and I know they were proud and happy. I jump up and hold my guitar up to Jimmy. This is our fucking DREAM, and I’m down here living it with my brothers, and I know Jimmy is here too.
I come to because Zacky starts lightly slapping me; he’s getting more and more worried because I’m not answering him.
“Baby…I’m fine,” I say quietly as I look him in the eyes. “Really, I am.”
He sighs. He knows I’m lying, but he also knows I don’t like being pushed to talk about something. He tightens his grip on my hand and kisses me lightly then slowly gets up and goes over to talk with Arin. Arin just shakes his head and I see him say “I don’t even know what the fuck I did, I just walked in here and he jumped on me” he glances over at me and I glare at him as Zacky gets his attention back quickly and tries to explain my actions for me. I know he hates doing this, but I know he does it to protect me and try and keep my name good. Well it’s time for us to head to the bus and get to the airport. We start the USA tour in a few days. I get up and almost fall over, luckily Johnny was close enough to catch me, and he gave me a bottle of water.
“Hey dude...are you okay?” he askes. “ I push off of him and drink the water.
“I’m fine Johnny” I said annoyed... God, how am I ever going to cope during the rest of this tour?
End of chapter 1. I really hope you guys think this is decent and not like..I don’t know, messed up. The way Brian was during Rock in Rio shattered my heart. He wasn’t the same and we all know that still to this day and forever more, that Brian will feel this pain. I know it’s not the same for all of them going on stage without Jimmy..OH and I DO NOT HATE ARIN. Lol it’s a fanfic so of course not everything in it is real or how I really feel. Was just an idea and I guess it’s kind of in a way that I myself would cope if I were in Brian or any other of the band members position. The next chapter I will probably start on after I see them perform live on October 6th. (Only 11 days away! Eeeeeee J ) and will most likely switch between all members. I still haven’t planned that all out yet. This chapter write all in one night! Well, tell me what you think please!
