I hate you, but I forgive you. Maybe I finally found peace. Or maybe tranquility is the same as being so angry for so long, you don't feel it anymore. For the longest time, I blamed you for everything. For how I turned out, for my own self-hatred. Because, for as much as I hate you, how much I find you repulsive and intolerable, I hate myself that much more.
You took something that was once innocent and pure and with the potential to be something great and turned her into something dark and bitter. Each one of you, each time, took a piece of me and desecrated it. You chipped away at my happiness and will and my love. You took what you needed, and you changed it into what you wanted, and you left with it. You shot arrows into my heart and I mistook it for love. Turns out cupids bow doesn't exist.
I choose you, I found you, I trusted you and I gave you my most treasured possession. And I expected you to keep it safe. I asked you to keep it safe. And instead, you never gave it back, you tainted it, made it into something terrible and you left with it. You betrayed me. And it fucking hurt like hell.
And eventually I got so cold, and I got so lonely, because not only did I lose you, I lost the love I gave you too. I lost myself, each and every damn time. I jumped into the oceans depths, because you asked me to, and I expected you to hold on and instead you swam away with my oxygen tank. I jumped because you wanted me to, because I thought it would make you happy.
But yeah... I got lonely and I began to freeze from the inside out. So I made more of what you took. And I swore to keep it to myself, to keep it safe and to use it for my own warmth, to never give it to anyone else ever again, for my own protection. I promised this to myself, no matter how badly anyone else needed it, no matter if they were going to freeze to death without it. But the longer I kept it for myself, the less I seemed to have. It diminished the more I refused to share it. And it was replaced with something dark. With ice and self-hatred. So when I saw you again. Dying and freezing and so helplessly alone and in pain. I gifted it to you. Because I thought you were different, because you wore a different face. I gave you everything, again... And I watched you grow and heal and be okay without me. And I was so happy for you, so proud of you. But at the same time I was growing weak and cold and dying because I gave you everything I had, and when I asked for some back... you told me no. And the more desperate I grew for it. The farther away you went. So, again... I got to watch you walk away with pieces of me, with what I gave you so willingly and I watched you give it to someone else. And oh how that tore me open.
But you know what? It gave me something else, something to replace what you took. Something to hold on to. It gave me anger and hatred and determination. It fueled me until I could go on normally again. But being the stupid, naïve, little creature that I am. I kept giving more and more of myself away. Killing myself slowly. Agonizingly. Hoping that each time, it would be different. Eventually though, I changed. I stopped caring what you did with my love. I stopped asking for it back. I stopped expecting you to keep it safe for me. Because I was done giving myself up, with high hopes, just to be used and discarded. Like trash. Like I was nothing. I grew tired of feeding the starving, begging souls. I was done longing to be needed and cared for. I stopped expecting a different outcome. But I still remained open, different hands dipping in to take what they needed and leave. My family, my friends, my lovers. I guess I had enough to go around, as long as I didn't save any for myself. I guess it was my fault, for loving the wrong monsters.
But thing is now, you've shaped me, into something else completely. And as a clay sculpture, I have a lot of imperfections. But it's always the most damaged and deranged art that sales for the most. So now, I'm going to learn how to fix my cracks and fissures. And I'm going to find someone who loves them. I'll learn how to keep myself warm, and them too. Without giving myself away.
And you know what? They might turn out to be the wrong kind of monster, they might be toxic, just like all of you. But I'm stronger now, I'm sharper. So before they eat away at my being, before they break me to take away my pieces. I'll leave...
But for now, I'm content. I'm warm and full and testing the water before diving in.
I hope you monsters learn how to love too.
Sincerely, the girl you tore to shreds
