Imagine.. Fighting With Jared Leto *Trigger Warning*

PLEASE READ - *Before reading this, this is a trigger warning and if you're likely to be affected by this, please do not continue reading. Go and read another imagine or watch some YouTube or look at pictures of cats, okay? Okay.*

It had been months since you'd last seen Jared. You had last seen him in the July and it was now November 23rd and he has barely kept in contact at all. It wasn't his fault he wan't at home with you: he was touring. What was his fault is that he barely texted. Or called. Or emailed. You were the one that had always had to do that and it hurt you more than anything because you couldn't live without him and it was extremely obvious that he could live without you. University work had started to build and build and you had started to become worse and worse. 

Slipping back into old habits. 

It was about 11pm and you hadn't spoken to Jared or even texted him in over a month and you had began to see pictures of him hugging a lot of girls that made you start to shake uncontrollably. Suddenly, whilst sitting at your desk finishing an assignment, you heard a  buzz on your flat door. You quickly pressed the accept button and opened the door to see Jared opening the door from running up the stairs.

"Hey," He said smiling. "I'm home!"

You felt the anger turn and twist and start to eat itself inside your gut. Your legs became weak and you started to shake and you couldn't stop. You turned away and walked back to your work room and slammed the door, not even thinking about Jared. 

You heard a slight thud as Jared rested his forehead against the closed door.

"Look I'm sorry.." He started, whispering. "I have just been really busy and had a lot on my mind and I wanted to call but yeah.. I'm sorry." 

Silence.

"Look please just open the door we need to talk about this I am so sorry for everything," He continued. "It's just been a really hard few months for me.."

"For you?!" You screamed, swinging open the door which made Jared fall forward a little. "It's been a really hard few months.. For you?!" You didn't care how loud you were being, you couldn't stop shaking with anger. Pushing him against the wall you kept banging on his chest with your fists.

"I know when I'm being lied to Jared and I know you're lying to me right now! I check your twitter and tumblr and facebook everyday so don't you dare lie to me," You wanted to stop hitting him but you couldn't but the hits got weaker and weaker as your body started to give up and the anger drained out. "I have spent the last 3 months going out of my fricking mind worrying and feeling angry and not coping and feeling let down and it feels like I don't even know you anymore! You were supposed to be my bestfriend, the only one I could open up to, the only one that understood what I was.. Going through and you don't.. Have a fricking.. Clue do.. You?" You couldn't breathe. Your chest started to turn inside out and you could breathe. Sometimes your panic attacks would be quite mild and you could just about breathe whilst trying to find your inhaler but this time you couldn't physically breathe at all. You fell to the floor as Jared grabbed your arms and his eyes shot open. He ran straight into your bedroom and got your inhaler and coaxed it into your mouth and rubbed your back.

This made you more angry as he was the only person that knew that rubbing your back helped even more than the inhalers. 

You curled up on the floor frantically rubbing your chest and crying so hard as Jared slowly tried to sit you up and continued to rub your back a little harder than before. 

"You.. Didn't.. I was so fricking.. Everything got.. Worse.. And.. I let you.. Down.." And as you said those last few words reality fell to the floor. You had completely let Jared down after promising him not to do it again. This made you cry even harder than before and you chest completely closed up as you both realized what you had just said. You felt Jared stop rubbing your back and all of his muscles completely tense. 

You both stopped. 

Without pausing, Jared pushed up your bracelets on your left arm and felt over bumps that shouldn't be there. He then proceeded to push down the side of your lounge trousers and felt bumps on your thighs and legs that also should not be there. He removed his hand and stood up and put his hands behind the back of his head and faced the wall and he let out a sound that you hadn't heard since his screaming on the song 'Savior'. He crouched down with his hands still behind his head and started to shout and shake. All you could see was him dragging his hands across the back of his neck which caused the skin to become inflamed and red which he hadn't done since you'd both promised each other you stopped. 

You wanted desperately to say something. To tell him it was okay. To let him know that it was a few weeks ago and you hadn't done it since. It was a blip. You wouldn't want it to happen again. But you were now in the full blown mist of your panic attack and your vision started to become blurred and your ears started to deafen as your lungs felt the most restricted they ever had. 

"I should of been there for you," Jared shouted louder than before. "But I was too busy being a prick and not helping you." He stood up and began to pace. "This isn't fair!" He said looking up. "For you or for me, this isn't fair!"

This made you angry once again as you managed to get out a few words.

"Fine then, leave.." You struggled. "Leave like every other person ever has in my life"

"Sometimes I feel like doing just that," He said. "All I do is wreck people's lives. I walk into them and without even noticing, I walk straight back out. It's not fair on you that I'm such a prick and it's not fair on me because I don't want to be this way." 

And simultaneously you both screamed the loudest you could at eachother the only words you could. 

"But I love you!" 

This time, your sight completely cut out. Your hearing had made everything just murmurs and you were just waiting for your breathe to return. All you could hear was the loud sobs as Jared walked up and sat down beside you and rubbed your back with trembling hands. 

He could barely speak between his loud screams that he couldn't control and his tears but he did manage to whispers the only Latin you knew. 

"Nos adversus mundi.."