In This Depression

day 1

I have a problem. The problem is that I think too much or not at all.

I either worry to no end or I don't give a flying fuck.

Is it depression? Anxiety? Both? Probably both, which should worry me but I feel so lost today that I don't really care.

My parents sent me to a therapist and she said it's both, but I haven't seen her in so long because...well, it's kind of a long story. See, I was feeling suicidal. And I told someone because I thought I should at least try. And my parents are less than understanding about mental problems.

So, yeah, they sent me to a therapist, but only for a few sessions. They thought prayer could fix it, which is complete bullshit by the way.

Which brings me here. I read somewhere that you should write about your feelings, so it's worth a try. I'll probably only have this one entry, knowing me. 

I guess...depression is like drowning. Feeling alone and tired and empty and sad and dead. No one's there for you because they don't care. And you feel like it's gonna kill you because it's too much and how can your body possibly handle this? 

And anxiety is like being a tightly wound ball of string, worrying about everything. Being scared to go to public events. Never being able to live your life peacefully because you're constantly worrying. Wondering if you can throw away your plate at 4th of July parties, then seeing someone else do it and waiting for a few minutes before doing it yourself. Being scared to get napkins at restaurants or make phone calls or see people, in general.

But then there's anger. I don't know where it comes from. If depression is drowning and anxiety is being a tightly wound ball of string, anger is exploding into a million pieces and not being able to control yourself. All you can do is yell and hate and storm and then hate yourself afterwards and it's a toxic, toxic cycle. The anger is uncontrollable. I feel irritation bubble beneath my skin and prickle to the surface in warning and then BOOM! it happens. And I explode.

And then my mother yells and then I yell and then she tells me I'm a failure of a child and she wishes I had never been born and it never stops. It's so overwhelming.

Surprisingly, this has kinda worked. Writing about my feelings, I mean. Maybe I'll do it again....