How to Self Harm (A Noelian)

You do realise the harm you're causing, but the realisation is rare

Noel was multitasking for Julian - he was drinking tea, eating a cheese sandwich and taking iron supplements to sooth the older man's mind. Julian was sat the the other side of the sofa, leaving a cold empty space between them Noel wanted to be filled. He wanted Julian to hold him.
"Are you feeling better?"
"Less like vomiting, yeah," Noel smiled. Julian nodded, the worry so evident on his face Noel wanted to laugh.
"Good." There was a pause in the conversation. "How's your boyfriend?"
"We never got serious. I broke it off that night, you know? Realised I couldn't date someone who didn't know, and wasn't sure he'd be okay with it. So I had to end it."
"I can't stop thinking about you," Julian blurted out. "Everyday. It's incessant. I can't look at people the same, because I'm looking for glimpses of you. It's been a month and a half. I still,haven't slept with anyone else, can't even consider it, because you're all I want."
"For the rest of forever?" Noel smiled weakly, biting into the sandwich.
"For the rest of forever," Julian agreed.
"You know what else is forever?" Noel asked.
"What?"
"Scars. The scars I put on myself, the scars inside you, the scars of what we've done to each other. I won't ever be able to forget. Jesus Christ, Julian... have you seen my arms, even in a day when all the cuts are healed over and scabbed? It's a mess. I have to live with this. All of what I've done to myself. All of what you do to yourself. All of what we've done to each other. It's forever."
"I don't mind living with my scars," Julian said quietly, "as long as I'm living with yours too. Trying to massage the marks I've left you. I'm sorry."
Noel put down the food and the tea, and moved closer to Julian, hugging him tightly. "I love the marks you've left on me."