The reality of love (our story)

The begining

Well, I'd like to start where I got happy. You know, the point in my life where I actually got the boy I've always wanted? Well, that just won't do! I have to start at the beginning. I'm just going to assume that it started in second grade, but I know that I've always been a hopeless romantic. The only real problem I've had is that I have never gotten the cute boy, simply because I've always been awkward looking and awkward... Everything else.
But I have had my share of "boyfriends". You've had them right? When you're in elementary school and you have an older cousin or sibling in middle school and they have a boyfriend, you want one right? So you get one. Except what do you do now? Basically all I really had were boys pushing me on the swings during recess. But we were dating, I swear!
So, that's elementary school. Not much to talk about there except my best friend moving to Kentucky and later on Hawaii and losing contact. She comes up again though. But in middle school my other best friend transferred schools because she was too smart for that public school shit. Ha, then I was there wearing my dunce hat getting C's in math! Fuck math, dude.
Anyway, the story line is my relationships. And I want to get to the good stuff soon. So, onto middle school!
My first boyfriend in middle school was this kid I liked throughout elementary school, I thought he was really cute. And he was! He kind of let himself go throughout the years so when there came to be a relationship between us he had boobs. Like when I say that I mean like they looked like they may have been bigger than my moms. It's awful of me to say, especially since I let this go on for eight whole months. Eventually, he got infatuated in the idea of having a girlfriend (I think) and when we broke up he tried to get me back by writing poems about me, telling my best friend, Amelia, about how much he loves me and wants to be with me and just all around how depressed he is without me. One of his friends told me he had a picture of me cut out in a heart shape taped to his wall once. That's cool though.
So like, I used to be O-B-S-E-S-S-E-D with one direction. Let's all be honest, who wasn't? I downloaded their albums on iTunes, I watched all of the quick fire videos they'd put up, I watched the video diaries, I sang their songs, I had a favorite (Liam *heart eye emoji here because still damn) and even had a cut out of him... Still do... I read their books, I read the gossip, I followed them on everything, I read fan fictions (still waiting on Anna to update before though. Shoutout to the after series), just... One direction everything, basically. I was going somewhere with this, I promise.
We had these school emails for basically no reason at all. Literally, who uses email in middle school? Okay, I did. But only to send funny videos to my too-smart-for-public-school friend, Rachael!
Okay, anyway... Sorry I'm only a little ADD... Seriously, anyway, one day I actually opened my emails and I saw something, like someone really sent me an email! Can you guess who from? Can you guess what? No?
My first middle school boyfriend.
A video.
One directions song one thing with his very own caption "I know you probably still don't like me but I just wanted you to know that I still love you."
This was in eighth grade. This is the year it all started. It is almost four years later and I still remember that word for word.
I ignored that email, by the way. I had no clue what else to do! He still likes me! It makes me feel bad because oh my god I'm an awful person because do you want to know why I broke up with him? We rode the same bus and we held hands, obviously what else would you have a boyfriend for? Oh my god, his hands were always sweaty and soft and I'm sorry but I like calloused hands because you know that boys been working if he has calloused hands.
So his hands weren't the only problem I really had okay? So when you hold hands with someone you're pretty close. And close on a bus is like pretty close right? Well, if you live in Vermont you know there's really no such thing as a smooth road and you also know that those bus rides are pretty damn rough right? Well, do you remember when I said he had boobs bigger than my moms? I forgot to mention that my mom has four other girls beside me! So she has decent boobs. Okay, well a bumpy road, awful shocks on the bus, holding hands, big boobs... If you haven't gotten my memo... His fucking boob kept hitting my arm! Okay I know it's so bad of me! He's a genuinely awesome person, I still talk to him he's still some one I talk to occasionally but I broke up with him because his titty kept hitting my arm! I'm sorry!
But don't worry. Karma did come, and karma literally almost killed me. Eighth grade was one of the worst years of my life and I'll tell you why. One other reason I broke up with that poor guy was because there was another guy. Someone fit, cute, and just a guy's everyone wanted. He played football for the high schools youth league, he had huge blue eyes, a six pack, and he knew how to work. He could get any girl he wanted. Of course, I was the typical cute, innocent, good girl who thought he actually might like her and be willing to change for her. I wish I could have made her stop. I wish that sweet little eighth grade me were smarter than she actually was. Because that year, that guy, they both fucked me up.
I never recovered because I'm still fucked up emotionally. I always wore my heart on my sleeve. I changed my appearance. I started wearing dark makeup and I colored my hair dark brown and I stopped smiling as much.
I had this friend, he moved from Maine. He lived near me, and he was friends with this guys I was interested in, they were always together. One point in time this guys asked me out and I said yes, of course. He had a reputation but like I said I thought I'd change him. One day, my friend, Devon, was out in the town where my school was and that's where the majority of people lived. That's also where the majority of girls who'd get with the guy I liked lived. While they were there I was at home and I heard a four wheeler pull into my driveway. It was either him or Devon. So I ran to the door and it was Devon. We sat down and we watched tv you know typical stuff but something seemed odd...
"Is something wrong?" I asked him.
"No. Why?" He answered.
"You just seem off. Did you come from your house? Weren't you with (guy's name)?"
"Yeah we were over at Olivia's just hanging out. We played truth or dare and I got sick of it and left. They're so immature it's annoying." When he answered with that I knew something happened. My stomach dropped. Devon probably told him where he was going. Why didn't he come, too?
"Can you text him?" I wanted to know what was actually going on.
"Sure." He texted him and we just sort of waited. Then he told me what happened. "Okay so Olivia dared (guy's name) to kiss Brooklyn. And they did. I was just really pissed so I left." I honestly felt so sick. I've never been cheated on before. It broke my heart.
"Oh... Okay. Thanks for telling me. Now I know to not go near him."
So I guess after that Devon left and the next day I avoided that guy. He noticed. He tried to talk to me and I exploded.
"Why would I talk to you when you can talk to Brooklyn instead?" I half yelled. We were in the hall going somewhere. I mean, he kissed her! We were dating and we hadn't even kissed yet.
His face paled. "Why would I talk to her?" He answered with the upmost confidence.
"Probably because you want to kiss her again!"
"I never kissed her."
"Oh yeah right. Devon told me. It was a dare and you did it."
"It didn't even mean anything. It was a dare."
"Yeah? You liked it so much you did it twice!" Lord, I was mad! He did though! He kissed her twice.
"I'm sorry." His face dropped and he stopped fighting. He said sorry. Oh no. Oh no! I can't be mad after that!
"Fine." I said and just walked away. Guess we're still dating.
So there was that time. Then another time we went on a hiking trip with the school and everything was cool. By then we kissed and we did a couple time on the trip. After that, we got home and he texted me and for some reason I was mad at him? Oh that's right it was because he was going to someone's graduation party and that someone was a girl and also he was texting me to break up with me! He sent me three "hey"'s before I replied with "hi." Then he kept texting me like nothing was wrong. Finally he broke up with me.
"Why?" I fought back.
"I'm going to another girls graduation and she wanted me to go to the dance with her after and I didn't want to cheat on you." He replied. Oh! Heaven forbid you ever do that! I don't know what I'd do if he had! Oh... Oh wait no he did before. I was just too much of a dumb ass to leave.
"Okay? Why don't you just say no?"
"Because I don't want to hurt her feelings." Lol.
"Okay. You'd rather hurt mine."
"I don't want to fight."
"I didn't think we were fighting, I thought we were arguing but okay."
"Oh."
"Yeah but have fun anyway." And I stopped texting him.
Like I said, eighth grade was rough. I started to cut myself that year. I wish I hadn't. Some scars didn't stay, which is really good. The "W" I carved into my leg for that loser went away. I don't do that anymore, even if I think about it, I won't ever self harm again. But that's thanks to my current. He's my blessing.
Some scars stayed. The scars I inflicted upon my skin because I felt I wasn't good enough, not because of a stupid boy this time. He started my insecurities, though. And they never went away. I'm always scared my love will leave me, just like he did. But I know he won't. He tells me he'll always love me no matter what happens. Sometimes I have trouble really appreciating him because I'm really scared of love, no matter how big of a hopeless romantic I am. I push him away sometimes and I hate myself for it but the more I push the harder he pulls, I know he won't ever give up on me. I won't ever give up on him either and I guess this is where we start our story.