The Color of Darkness COMPLETE NOVEL

Dawn

"Why?"

"Why am I glad we came?"

"No. Why didn't you want me to come?" Nova's gaze felt like lasers on my cheek. I opened my mouth but struggled to come up with an answer.

Please, Puck. I can take bullshit from everyone else, but not from you.

"I was afraid it would change everything," I said finally, resigning myself to complete honesty. "I mean, really, I feel like I don't know you at all sometimes. I never know how you're going to react to stuff like this... I mean, for all I knew, you were going to up and decide you wanted to get out like Rick and you'd move in with your stepmom. I... I didn't want anything to change. I still don't. I can't even get over the fact that Rick is leaving as soon as we get back, for crying out loud." I snatched the bottle up off the ancient wood and threw back a way bigger mouthful than I could handle, coughing myself into embarrassment while Nova just looked at me sadly.

"I'm not going to do something stupid like that," she said finally, taking the bottle from me and gently setting it on the other side of her. "Is that really what you think of me?"

"I'm not sure what I think of you sometimes," I admitted darkly, shaking my head.

"Do you feel... used, sometimes?" She asked after a pause. I frowned, unsure of what to say. "Don't hold back."

"I may have, at some point or another," I said quietly.

"I know." She said. "I've pretty much taken you for granted, haven't I?"

"Maybe once or twice." It was sort of liberating, admitting these things out loud.

"I used to do it on purpose, you know." Nova sat up and took up the bottle in her left hand, staring out over the inlet, off into nothingness.

"What? Why?" I felt my heart skip a beat, and not in a good way.

"Even since we were kids, I was afraid you were finally going to realize what I was. I tried to keep you reeled in, I guess. Interested. I even started dating that asshole Chris our freshman year to make you jealous. It's fucked up, I know."

I squinted at her trying to make sense of the words that were coming out of her mouth. "You're not serious, are you? I mean, I spent years pining for you when we were kids. You've been this... this thing that I haven't been able to have. Not now, not ever."

"I know. I made you feel like that, didn't I? I didn't want you to wake up some day and realize that there were other girls out there, ones with way less problems than I have."

"Why are you telling me this?" The question was simple, but weighed in the air like a dense fog. Nova downed another gulp and passed me the bottle. It was my turn to set it down now, without drinking any. My head was already spinning, and it definitely wasn't the alcohol.

"So you can let go."

"Of what?"

"Me."

I sat up too, not taking my eyes off her. She rested her weight on the heels of her hands and swirled her feet around under water in big, listless circles. "I'm damaged goods, Puck. Broken, I guess. Always have been, always will be."

"So am I." The words popped out of my mouth before I had a chance to swallow them. Nova gave me a half-hearted shrug and I sighed.

"Look, I've been a mess since even before my mom died, and only much more so since then. We drink, we smoke, we get in trouble and we drive halfway across the country in a beat up old truck to patch up stuff between you and your dad. Look, I don't care what you think you did to manipulate me, but I would have stuck around regardless. We get each other. We've got each other's backs." I gulped, trying to find the appropriate words. "I mean, I love you. You know that. Damaged or not. Whatever."