Doll (MikaYuu)

Excerpt 4 ♦ Died in Paradise

"Oh, I love you... I love you so damn much, Yuichiro... Thank you... Thank you... I love you," I quietly yammered, trying my best to recollect my wits.

My hands burned with vengeance, my heart and mind prickling with an urge to avenge for everything that had been taken from me. Gullibility is a sin more than anything I've heard of, and it's not only a sin but a curse. They've taken my mind, my body, my love, my virginity, my innocence, my strength... Why? What did I do to deserve that? Who did I hurt or what did I destroy to be a target for such hatred and pain? All I wanted to do was live. And love.

With everything I considered, with every mindless injury and infliction she and everyone else hurt me with, ended with an illiberal shatter. I savored everything important to me in that room before I practically took it apart. Blood cried from the cuts etched into my knuckles and hands, bruises and aches inflaming through every vein and muscle and bone within me.

And it felt so good... It felt so good... I destroyed that room like it was my enemy.

Revenge was the best sin. It was tasteful, and was imperious.

I couldn't leave through the front doors. I crept through the fire exit stairs and tunnel, the reality of the world coming back to me. The bag scraped against the metal canal, the fabric of my clothes making the crawl slippery. I escaped to freedom out of the latch, the city air breezing against my face.
I felt depressed again walking down the street, knowing I was alone. I knew I wasn't alone in my situation, but physically, I wanted to be held. I wanted a reminder that I was going to make it. I wanted a reminder that I had done the right thing, so the guilt would wash away from tearing apart my family. I never wanted to trap her. I never did.

I just wanted her to stay away from me. And not hurt anyone else either. It was the only safe option, although there was forever a scar of guiltiness left deep within my spirit.

I had to learn to suck it up. Be quiet as I walked. Had to learn that the way things turned out was my new fate - a new part of my life. I still cried, my eyes blurry and nose runny. I pulled the soft hem of Yuu's sweater above my nose, knowing that his scent was the only thing putting me at ease. The hood draped over my face, shielding me from the world. I only watched my feet as I walked.

I knew I had to get another mean of transportation when it was midnight and my feet ached. The wind was beating my face and darkness kept me lost - even in the city.

I checked my account. Waited for the numbers to array. But they stole my money. They took every last penny. Not a cent. If anything I'm surprised I did not owe.

"Shit," I remarked to no one but myself, my throat still heavy from stress. All the agony. Now it even worsened. I had no means of transport. I looked up at the night sky, the city lights twinkling and clouds cuddling the moon. "Yuu... Please pray for me."

How would people still give me a ride? Knowing what kind of infamous crimes I'd been in? I did not want people to notice me, anyway. If they did, I solely hoped it was for my transportation, and not because of who I was or what I had done.

I was still human. I was hurt but I was humane. I wanted to be loved and helped, not treated so horribly... I could not even have that. Only from Yuu. Only from my mother.

At least Yuu taught me I deserved love and help. Otherwise I would not have even bothered to go save myself and return to him. I would have let myself die in the street.