A Brother's Intuition

Raphael: Numb

It's like when someone punches you in the gut. The first couple of times it hurts like hell, but the longer it goes on, the less ya feel. You don't really start to feel it until after the battle is done. Years and years of fights, insults, and rivalry have led to this. I can't say I'm surprised.

I have to admit, Leo's words stung worse than Sensei's backhand. I've spent this past month feeling the aching after-burn of our fight. Distant memories of some of our earlier fights revisit me in my trance-like state. Those memories seem almost alien to me now. It feels like a millennia ago. Words hurt back then. Over the years that's changed. I look back on those days and it stuns me how much I used to care.

You still do. Whispers a voice in my head that sounds eerily like Michelangelo. It's funny how much having brothers can affect a person.

That doesn't change the fact that I still can't believe all our fights ever really hurt that much. I've been so numbed over the years that I can't even identify with myself anymore.

You're so stupid, meathead!

They're better than you!

If you wish to compete with your brothers, you must learn to control your temper.

Raph, you're hurting me!

Cool off, Raph.

Back off, Raph.

Ease up, Raph.

Every time we're in the Hashi, it's because of you! Of course it is. I'm the hothead. I'm the screw-up. I'm the rule-breaker. It's how I express myself. They don't know. They don't understand. They don't get it. They don't know who I am. And they don't want to know. Neither do I. I cling to that part of myself because it's the only part that feels right, that feels genuine.

Let me be the badass for once. Heh. I can't help but grin a little at that. Is that what they really see me as?

I glance briefly at the mirror mounted on the wall in front of me and see a bright glimmer in my dulled and slightly pale eyes. I've always hated them. They vary from gold to green depending on the lighting, but most of the time they're a kind of ugly medium between the two. I grin bitterly at the gleaming surface. 'A reflection of my inner self,' I thought sulkily.

Leo's eyes are blue.

Where did that thought come from? I wondered absently, as I closed my eyes and drew back into my contemplation.

Yes, Leo's eyes are blue. Just like him, the cool, calculating, cunning Fearless leader. Blue.

Mikey's eyes are blue, too, but they're a different shade. Light, young, happy-go-lucky blue. Playful blue...baby blue. My baby brother. Always young at heart.

Donnie...Don's eyes are different. They may seem dark from a distance, but they're actually a light hazel color. Calm, levelheaded, curious, brown eyes. Just like Don. He may not look like much, but he packs a big punch. There are times when he can be terse. Cruel, even. He speaks softly and carries a big stick. Literally.

I shook those thoughts aside as the various voices continued to yell.

You're so mean, Raph!

Do you even realize how much you hurt them? He asked, angrily. That one had really stung. How long ago was that? Three years? Possibly four? I don't know for sure. After a while they all start to blend together. How they started never really matters in the long-run. All I remember about that particular fight was that I stormed off not long after Leo asked that question. I didn't mean to hurt them. I never meant to. Funny thing was, I didn't see Leo, Donnie or Mikey ever stopping to consider how much they hurt me.

You're a horrible brother! After that, I stopped trying to be a good a brother. What was the point? My brothers already saw me for the monster I was.

You are the most emotional of your brothers. I know. And I hate it.

"Why is it always me?" I whispered.

It took less than three seconds for Sensei's voice to answer: Because you are the one who makes it so.

"Always me." I growled, slamming my fist down on the carpet beside me with a loud bang.

I heard the human sitting on the couch shift, probably to glance over in my direction, but I ignored him.

I am disappointed in you, Raphael. Heh. The story of my life. That's all I am. All I'll ever be. The screw-up, the one who can never do anything right, the black sheep.

Disappointed...disappointed...Raphael....disappointed...Disappointed in you. Disappointed. Always disappointed. Raphael...

"One, big disappointment."

I was pulled away from my thoughts once again by a subtle shift from the human on the couch. The back of my neck began to burn as I felt his eyes running thoughtfully over me with a curious stare.

Despite all my protests, Casey hangs around, keeping a 'watchful eye on me' he says. Can't knock him for standing by me. He's a good guy. And he's been an even better friend. I can't afford to stay here much longer, though. I don't want to risk straining the one friendship I have.

Case says I'm welcome to stay longer, but I can tell this whole thing has him just about as stressed out as I am. Problem with being emotional an hothead, you absorb vibes from the people around you. And since I've been a fucking emotional mess, Jones has been bearing the brunt.

So I need to go scouting for a place to squat. Unfortunately, despite my insistence that I go alone, Casey won't take 'no' for an answer. He now insists on following me wherever I go. Deep down, I know it's because he doesn't want me to do something stupid, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. My shoulder has healed for the most part, even though I still have to be careful about it. But that hasn't stopped us from beatin' up punks.

Unfortunately, going out also has its risks. Besides the obvious danger with Shredder still on the loose, being topside also means risking an encounter with my brothers. They are the last people I want to see at the moment. Right after old Shred-head.

It's only a matter of time before they find me. I don't want to see them. I don't want to look into their sad eyes and hear their empty words. I don't need to hear them. I've heard it all before.

Somehow, through the numbness and fog of my mind, only one thought surfaces: Will I go back?