Letting Go Of You

Chapter One

You have to do this. No. You are useless. I can't. You are worthless. Please stop. You need to die. No I dont. Take the pills. I can't. End your life. Why? He doesn't care about you anymore, and you are useless. Why are you telling me to do this? Because you know why, you idiot, I just told you, God, you can't do anything right. Yes I can. No, you can't. You couldn't get him to keep loving you, and you don't even have the balls to end your life, which you need to. FUCKING STOP. Just take the pills. It'll all be over soon. Bu- Just do it. Now. I ca- NOW.
I looked down at my hand, shaking, a pale, ghostly white. I closed it and turned it over, looking at the purple, blue, and green veins popping out. I haven't eaten a solid meal in five days, only liquids. I've only had half a cup of apple juice in these past five days. Maybe that's why he left me. Nows not the time for this, open the box, grab the bottles, open them, take the pills out, and put them in your mouth. Do it now. I flipped my hand back over. I can't take my thoughts anymore. I slid the latch to the small black box to the left. Sliding it to the right locked it, where a small hole would appear as to put in the lock. Sliding it to the left unlocks it, and you can leave it like that, open. But lucky enough, I had a set of keys. But even if I didn't, the box wasn't locked. The only reason we had the box was for my little brother, James. He was three so he thought everything looked like candies. I gingerly grabbed the top of the box and lifted it slowly to reveal a stash of pills. Mostly just headache medicine, but there were old prescriptions, and some menstrual pain relief pills. Although, I haven't had a period in a few months. I've never had sex, I guess I'm the next Virgin Mary. Okay, maybe not, but I don't know why I haven't had one in a while. I dug through the headache medicine and menstrual pills. Until I found a my dads old prescription for sleeping and pain pills. He has severe back pain and insomnia. He must have left his old pills here on accident after their divorce. They haven't been divorced that long, so they may not be expired. I checked the dates 1/11/18 and 2/13/18 so they're still good. A warm wet sensation began in my eyes, one that I've grown to know well. I am crying now. Do it. My thoughts have been relentless lately. I can't take anything anymore. Then open the bottles. I opened the pain pills. There were at least twenty in there. I dumped them onto the table. Now open the other bottle. I grabbed the sleeping pills and opened the bottle. I dumped the pills on the table. There's at least thrity, maybe thirty-five. Get the water. I grabbed my bottle of water that I keep by my side. Take the cap off. I shakily grabbed my bottle, and unscrewed the lid. Slowly, it came off and rattled to the floor. Put the pills in your mouth. All of them. I took the pills off the table, and half of them were in my hand. A mix of ugly dull yellow and a disgusting muted blue. Put them in your mouth. I opened my mouth. I don't know if I can do this. Put them in there. My mouth is dry, my tongue feeling as if it's about to crack open. Without letting my thought come back, I shoved them into my mouth. Now, drink the water and swallow the pills. I slowly lifted the bottle to my mouth, letting the pills begin to dissolve on my dry tongue. They taste as pills do, an indescribably overwhelming sensation of disgusting. But I don't care at this point, I can taste every single pill. Finally, the bottle lip was up to mine. I let the water cascade into my mouth, a feeling of relief washing over my tongue. I let my mouth fill completly with the ice cold water, and then I did it. I swallowed the pills, the water, all of it. All of it going down, down, down my throat. Take the rest. Oh, I'd forgotten about the other half of the pills, I shoveled them into my mouth, swallowing without water. I took a couple swigs after I swallowed the pills, just to make sure everything was gone. I got up, dizzily, and slowly turned. I started taking steps, moving without my conscious. I wanted to sleep in my bed, because if I lived through this, only the Lord knows where they're going to send me, and I wanted to sleep in my bed one last time. I passed the wall, then the door, now I'm in the kitchen. Walking, slowly, there goes the sink, a shiny silver faucet that was pouring water. Why was it on? I reached over, and saw what was in the sink. No wonder it was on. I ate an apple then thew up in the sink. I turned the water back on. I tried to move quicker, to go into my room, and into my soft, cozy bed. But alas, I could only move at a pace to be described as a stride slower than a snail and turtle's love child. I walked, slowly, slowly, left foot, right foot.
Then I was there. I walked into my room, it was a disaster. I always kept it clean, until today.
I remember going into my room this morning, I was crying. I smashed everything. I tore my covers off of my bed. I pushed my radio off my dresser. The plastic cracked. I threw my snow globe at the wall. It shattered. Into a million tiny pieces, just like my heart. Just like my mind. Just like my emotions, my thoughts. Just like me. And that's all I remember. I went to my bathroom, got my razor out, and well, I'm sure you know the rest. I put it to my thigh. Pressed in, and dragged it down, down, down. The familiar sting pained me. I hated to love it.
Get in your bed.
Oh. I'm on the floor now. I can feel the bile rising in my throat. I crawled over to my bed. I can't stand. Try to stand. My legs felt like jello, wobbly and jiggly. Unsteady. The taste of bile got stronger, I swallowed it. Not yet. Let it all sink in. I sat on my bed. I swung my legs over. Pulled the blanket up. I lay down. I put the covers up underneath my chin. Go to sleep. I closed my eyes.
And I drifted off to a long wanted slumber.