hospital gowns « joshler

prologue

prologue

suicide. three syllables, and one word that holds so much meaning. the dictionary defines suicide as the act of taking your own life, in my case it was a way of getting away from all the bad things in my life. a bottle of pills and i was on my way to create my own definition of suicide that would be forever etched into my family's brain.

some people would say that it's selfish of me to take my own life because of small problems. but if they were me, if they were the ones that had to see and hear things that no one else could, if they were the ones that barely had the energy to get out of bed everyday, if they were the ones that saw themselves as a worthless human being every day, maybe they would understand why I didn't want to be here anymore.

three days ago i had attempted suicide while my parents were at work. my mom wasn't supposed to come home until late that night but because of a bad migraine she was coming home at noon. i remember her knocking on my bedroom door, and i can remember the frantic sound she made when she saw me on my bed, empty pill bottle in hand. i remember the way her eyes had widened and how she was shouting my name. she had grabbed the pill bottle and looked inside, throwing it when she had realized that it was empty. her screams and cries still echo in my ears as she was on the phone with the police. i had never seen my mom like that; i had never seen my mom care about me as much as she did in that moment. shortly after that i had passed out and then i had woken up in a hospital.

the doctor had explained to me that i needed to be put on a 51/50, or in other words i was being sent to a psychiatric ward so people can monitor my psycho behavior for three days (or longer if they didn't think i was stable enough to go home). 

so now, i was on my way to the psychiatric ward and i felt sick. i felt like i was going to vomit all over myself. i've never been to one of these before. what are they going to do to me? what are they going to ask me? what's going to happen?

"how are you feeling tyler?" the EMT (emergency medical technician) asked me. i shrugged my shoulders and played with my hospital band.

"are you nervous?" i shrugged again.

"you don't talk much do you? i shrugged again. the EMT sighed and looked at her watch.

"we should be there in ten minutes, they're going to ask you a lot of questions. you'll have to tell them in your own words why you are here, and what you want to do for yourself. they may ask you some questions that do not relate to you, and they may ask some that relate to you. just be honest." i nodded and looked down at my hospital bands; one was red and said 'allergy' in big bold letters and the other said basic information about me. 

tyler joseph

sex: M

DOB: 12/1/98

51/50

i grimaced and looked straight ahead. i watched the cars that were in front of me, i watched as the trees passed by, and i looked at the sky. who knows when i'll get to see that again. what if we weren't aloud to go outside? these were stupid and irrelevant questions and this should be the last thing i worry about.

we came to an abrupt stop and i looked around, noticing that we were here. my heartbeat sped up, my chest got tight, and my palms started to sweat. 

what if this didn't help me? 

what if i got bad again?

the ambulance door opened and they pulled me out of the ambulance quickly.

"okay so, we're going to wheel you into the facility and then we'll unstrap you and you can get out okay?" i nodded and played with my hands as they took me through the building.

"tyler joseph, youth ward." one of the EMT's said to the lady at the front desk. she smiled and nodded and then we were lead through more doors.

"okay tyler, we're going to unstrap you. i hope you feel better, and i hope i won't ever have to see you come back here." the EMT that was in the back with me said. i smiled and she quickly unstrapped me and lowered the gurney closer to the floor so i could get off. 

the lady from the front desk told me to follow her into a small room and she had me sit down.

"before we start, did you bring any clothes with you?"

"n-no."

"okay, you can call your mom when we are done and ask her to bring you some, but for now you will need to wear the hospital gown you have on currently okay?"

i hated hospital gowns.

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hi hello, yes i realize that everything is in lowercase, and it's going to be like that all throughout the book. so this is only the prologue but i'll try and upload the first chapter in a week or so?? also i'm aware that this sucks so sorry.