Damaged » h. styles au

Chapter 48 - Kirsten

I know Tyler already had this one person that swept him off his feet – as Styles says he’s going to do with me, which I doubt –, I know he’s already experienced what it’s like to be in love. I’m not sure he had all the butterflies and sh–t, ‘cause I don’t believe they even exist, but I do know he already loved someone with his own life. So much that it made him bring this awful side of his to the fore. He loved her so much that he couldn’t deal with the loss, and because of it he has his constant bad moments. And that’s why I try my best not to get mad at him when he’s a complete jackass: I pity him. There’s this huge pain in my chest by just thinking of going through what he went.

I am the reason why he manages this pain most part of the time. I myself am the proof that he suffered too much, and I’m also the thing that keeps him calm when he’s about to explode. Since he found me, he got better. And that’s what people don’t know. They think Tyler is stupid, and awful, but they have no idea of how much he’s improved.

When I found him he was about to take away his own life. When I thought I had many problems in my life, I found him, and I saw that what I was going through was absolutely nothing compared to his pain. He’d lost someone; I was just being stubborn, as usual; just like now.

I looked at Styles, staring at me with curiosity in his eyes, and I just knew he preferred not to say a word about me being too silent, because he knew I was rethinking my relationship with Tyler due to what he’d said. I knew he’d opted for being quiet just to give me space to get lost in my own thoughts. And well, it worked. Because for the first time, I was letting go of this obligation of being with Tyler, letting go of all the reasons why I’d handled him for so long to think of how good it’d feel to be with someone without feeling like you’re the reason why they’re alive.

I’ll always feel guilty for even thinking of leaving Tyler, but I can’t help feeling a bit left aside when my own boyfriend can’t accept whom I am. I can’t help wishing I had someone to love me the way he loved his other girl, the one he lost. He loves me. I know that. We’re meant to be together, I know that as well, but I wish I could have him looking at me the way he probably looked at her. If at least he talked to his friends about me the way he used to talk to me about her…

Don’t you think I like to admit it, but I do feel wanted, really wanted, when I see the way he looks at me. And yes, by he I mean Styles. The way he does it gives me goosebumps; how he tries to make me feel special is still cliché, but it’s something Tyler has never done for me and I don’t like to compare him to others due to the whole context, but it’s exactly what I’ve always wanted, it’s what I’ve known was missing, but never what I expected it to be.

“I love it when you stare at me,” he whispered, putting his plate aside, and just then I realized I had nearly touched my food. It was probably cold already, but it was still delicious, if I may add. Wherever he’d gotten that pasta, he’d done a great job.

Of course, I could deny I was staring, but my voice would certainly fail and I wouldn’t sound convincing at all, so I just shrugged and did my best to focus on finishing eating.

Once I’d done it, he took my hand, not giving me enough time to question anything before he pulled me up and started walking through the grass, pushing a few tables aside so that we could cross the small bridge over the lake, lazily walking to the other side completely lost in silence.

“Um, excuse me. Where are you taking me now?” I finally managed to say, looking around and trying my best to find something that could justify his actions, but all I saw was more grass and more wedding decorations (by the way, what was the thing with that?)

“Somewhere. I think,” he kind of breathed out the last two words, and I frowned. How like “he thinks he’s taking me somewhere”? Well, he certainly noticed my confused expression, because he started giggling. “Just wait a bit, yeah?”