Cry Baby

Tears spilled from my eyes. I tried wiping them away to no avail. Sobs wracked my body and I felt like I couldn't move.

It had been two months since I had lost Dallas and Johnny.

I was told constantly "Pony, get over yourself."

But the truth was, I couldn't.

I had lost two of my best friends in so little time. I was helpless. Sometimes I just wish I was like them -- dead.

I didn't want to live anymore. They meant so much to me. Yes, I do love all of the other members of the gang, but I can't do it anymore.

I spent so much of my time with Johnny Cade and Dallas Winston. I had been smoking more than two packs a day now. I don't even know how I got the money to buy the cigarettes, but I did. I managed to. I don't know how I still do half the things I do now -- it's all a blur. I wake up, and then go through the day without knowing.

Sometimes I can go days without crying. But then, someone says something that reminds me of them and the faucet turns on. My eyes well up, and then I can't stop. My nose becomes sore and my eyes are red and puffy.

God, I don't even remember the last time I was happy.

Even Soda trying to cheer me up doesn't help anymore. I remember when it used to. All he had to do was hug me and I'd feel okay. He stills tries, though.

Darry's mad at me now. He tells me that I need to "man up." What does that mean, anyway?

Two-Bit has given up on telling me jokes now. He knows it won't work. The only interaction I have with him anymore is the occasional "Hi, Pony."

Steve doesn't even speak to me anymore. He knows it won't do.

I can't even trust myself in my own body anymore. I can't trust anyone. All they do is leave.