The One Who Lost Himself

twenty

I catch myself smiling at my reflection.

"You're stunning." Cade steps behind me, hovering over me so my head fits right under his chin. He steps even closer, pressing his front against my back and as he wraps his arms around me from behind - intertwines our fingers I can't help but admire how perfectly we fit together.

I meet his mismatched eyes in the mirror and my smile gets even wider as I see his equally big smile.

He lets go of my hands and urges me to turn around - now our names bodies are pressing against each other, his growing erection now nudging my lower belly.

My breath catches in my throat and my mouth feels suddenly dry. "I want to take a long hot shower with you..." He says again. "I just want to touch you and feel you. I can only imagine how sore you are so-" Cade doesn't finish his sentence and puts his long finger under my chin to make me to look at him. "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable with me and we will never - I mean it, never do anything you don't want to do."

His words knock all air out of my lungs - I know with absolute certainty that he means it. I can trust him and the pang of guilt that rushes through my body as I realize this is almost unbearable.

I'm safe with him, I can trust him and yet I couldn't say it back to him last night.

The words just wouldn't leave my mouth.

Not because they would't be true, but I just couldn't voice my feelings I have towards him.

When he said that I don't want boring and normal, he was right but I still need some kind of... stability and most of all time. I need time to get to know him without some drama. I need more time where we're just like every other pair that just started dating, with no divorce and bar fights in the picture.

I want the first time I tell someone that I love him that it lasts - that I'm sure that the person I tell this to and I have a future together or at least try to have one together.

So I kissed him instead of saying anything. I kissed him and tried to show him that I do feel something for him.

"I know, Avery." He says as he sees the concerned look on my face. "It's okay that you're not ready but you have to know that... I am. I stand to what I said and I'm not going to pretend that I didn't tell you. You and me - I haven't been more sure about anything in my whole life. I  love you, Avery."

"I-" I start to say and Cade reaches out to wipe away the tears that had escaped my eyes.

"You don't need to say anything." He cups my face with his hands. "I'm gonna prove to you how good we're going to be together." Dipping his head he captures my lips with his. For endless seconds he kisses me, unhurried and soft.

I'm flooded with emotions. I feel so much for him already and with every beautifully chosen word that leaves his mouth I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper.

Cade

I didn't tell her that I love her because I wanted to hear the words leaving her mouth as well. I didn't tell her to hear from her how she feels about me.

I did it for me - for my happiness.

For the first time in my life I really chose the path I want to go. I'm choosing the life I want to have. The woman I want to have on my side.

I needed to tell her because for the first time I really said what I want without thinking of someone else. I didn't think of the consequences, I didn't think what that means for my family or for my dad in particular.

I love her.

My choices - my wishes brought me to her.

I chose to love her.

Every piece of me, every broken-irreparable-fucked-up part of my heart yearns for her and I never felt more alive.

I don't need to fight what I feel for her.

It doesn't matter if I end up getting hurt, it doesn't matter that she didn't say it back - I took the risk and it's the most fucking liberating thing.

So when I look down at her swollen red lips and her postcoital her, I don't regret it.

I take this moment in. Live it, breath it in because this right here feels very much like the start of a new life.

A life where I can put myself first.

I don't feel lost anymore.

I think I just found myself again.

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much love Jessy xx