Only You (Matty Healy/George Daniel)

14: The Emptiness

Matty likes sex, he always has, but something about being with George is different. Matty loses himself completely in George, he can't focus on anything else until he's coming hard across George's knuckles - fuck, Matty can't recall the last time a simple handjob felt so good, which of course leads him to wonder what other things will be like with the younger man.

They haven't done anything since the night before they left, but not because Matty doesn't want to, more that he never knows how to find the words to ask.

It feels different on the road than it did in George's flat, and Matty doesn't want to be the one to make the first move. He keeps waiting for George to understand that he wants this to keep going without making him initiate anything, but lately they've been so tired and drunk that they both fall asleep within minutes of climbing into their beds - separate beds mostly unless Matty starts crying, which Matty isn't fond of after spending so many evenings snuggled against George's warm chest.

It's not like George is ignoring Matty, that would be hard to pull that off with the way Matty sticks to George like a second shadow, even more so than he usually does - which is saying something given how close the two of them are.

Matty is actually finding it nearly impossible to distance himself from George lately, he doesn't feel right when they're apart. His head gets too tight, like his temples are about to split apart, and he's even been plagued with random bouts of dizziness that refuse to fade away until George appears and places a comforting hand on the back of his neck.

Part of his unwillingness to be alone is most likely caused by the fact that this is his first tour without the addition of cocaine, which is something that Matty is trying very hard not to think about in an effort to curb the cravings that crawl up his spine whenever he dwells on the topic for too long.

Matty's been doing well - wonderful actual, but it's so much easier staying off of the stuff when he's at home. Now he's playing shows almost every night, and once the endorphins induced by the crowds and the music drain out of his bloodstream, Matty finds himself wanting to recreate it, and the white powder is the only sure-fire way he's found to do so.

He doesn't feel the urge to seek it out when George is there, but that's nothing new. Even during his periods of heavy using, Matty never once did it in George's presence. He hates the way George's eyebrows furrow together and his lips pull into a tight line when he realizes that Matty's high, and even if George never said the words, Matty knows he was worried for him - disappointed in him, and that alone had given him the motivation to quit in the first place.

With the help of Gemma and of course George, Matty hasn't touched cocaine in almost three months now, and he's trying to keep it that way, but it's a struggle when George is occupied elsewhere and Matty is left with clammy hands and an itch deep inside of him that he isn't allowed to scratch.

~~~

Matty shakes his head suddenly when he realizes he's spacing out during another interview, his eyes drooping lazily in an effort to protect his corneas from the bright sunlight spilling into the tent they are seated under.

George is currently mumbling something in an attempt to make up for Matty's uncharacteristic silence, his large hands clenching and loosening in a rhythmic pattern that Matty can't seem to look away from.

"What's the question again love?" Matty speaks up when George trails off awkwardly, shooting Matty a look that all but begs for him to help him out here.

"I asked what it's like to suddenly have such a young - mostly female fan base. Was that your intention when you wrote the record?" the short red-headed girl reiterates, holding the large microphone in Matty's direction once she's done repeating herself.