Even Now

Everything was just like always. Even though I believed that one day I will change, and one day those feeling toward you will change.

But here I am today. Sitting together with other guests of your wedding.
If I stopped you right now, would you look at me? If I told you that I love you right now, how would you react? Would your wedding be canceled because of that? Those kind of thought filled my head.

I averted my gaze towards you, and seeing those glint in your eyes waver my mind. How could I disrupt your wedding day? You looked so happy. The mere fact that you decided to marry someone is almost a miracle. So even though I wanted to be by your side so badly, the other half of me just wished for your happiness. It was as if these feelings were fighting inside me, and it suffocated me.

I felt like I could cry right here, right now. But I've been hiding this feelings since long ago, so hiding it for one more day will be fine right?

It's not like I never thought to confess to you. I just thought about many possibilities and consequences if I did, and I would end up not saying anything to you. Afterall you're my King and I'm just one of your subordinates. The ability to think of any possibilities I was blessed with made me your best strategist, but this skill also put a curse on me.

I wonder how could I fell in love with you, even if I despised you so much. Once I realized that you have tied me, and I was so upset. I didn't want to be "bounded" to other people involuntarily and being "used". But I still fell in love with you. Was it because of your kindness? Because of your determination to protect this kingdom? Or maybe it's just because? I could not find the answer, even now.

The sound of people cheering brought me back to the reality, and I noted that the procession was already over. People around started to congratulate you. I found myself taking a few steps, moving towards you, as if my body has its own mind. Trying to let go of uneasiness in my heart, I let out a short breath. I could feel the ache go away as the air flow out from my lungs. Even just a bit, I felt lighter. I stopped right in front of you, giving you the best smile I can muster and said softly, "Congratulations on your wedding, Sinbad-sama!"

Even now, just like always, I didn't get to tell you my feelings.