Smile On His Lips and Cuts On His Hips (Jalex)

Thirty Three - No One Cares

Deciding to stop waiting for something that wouldn't come and actually help myself, I tugged out my ear buds, music clearly audible from where they fell on the mattress. Rolling onto my back and rubbing my knuckles across my wet cheeks, I gulped down the clog in my throat and willed away the headache thrumming against my skull. Trying to dismiss the notion that no one gave a shit about me, I took a chance that couldn't possibly have any bad repercussions, texting the one person who had to care. Alex.

Me: Are you awake?                       

I shoved my eyes shut after sending that message, pushing the heels of my hands into them and making an effort to cease my absurd crying. I could hardly see without my contacts, and my sight had been shocked by the stinging light of my phone. I managed to breath steadily and decrease the waterworks to weak leaks, putting my glasses on as my phone buzzed on my stuttering chest.

Alex: Yep! Aren't you usually asleep by now? What's up J?

Alex was one of those teens who was up until early in the am and got approximately five hours of sleep every day, surviving on caffeine and adrenaline before collapsing after school for a nap. I was physically incapable of sleeping while the sun was up, despised coffee, and was afraid of the permanent brain damage energy drinks could cause. Accordingly, I passed out by twelve every school night and was usually exhausted and snoring by two on weekends.

But Alex remembering this didn't elicit even a tear of emotion in me. I was detached and despondent, arms prickling with cold, stomach rumbling since I hadn't consumed anything but water since lunch, empty in every way. My eyes longed to close, and I wouldn't mind if they never reopened.  Too drained to worry about how I sounded, I decided to be genuine for once while replying to Alex. That was a true sign that I was losing it: even my characteristic sarcasm was gone.

 Me: Bad night. I'm exhausted and lonely and I really wish I had pizza and you :(.

With that, I shuffled back onto my side, fingers tangling through my blankets and expression contorting so that I didn't start whimpering with a dripping eyes once more. I was out of tissues, my pillow was splattered with wet spots, and I would not let myself relax into my bed if it meant I'd go back to weeping lamely.

My head pounded in the maddening silence as I moved restlessly and frantically tried to remember why I did this. Why I continued sucking down oxygen and enduring existing. It seemed so pointless, sometimes, because when I was so miserable, it was so difficult to recall that I'd ever been anything else. So I thought of how ecstatic and carefree I was when Fall Out Boy reunited, how thrilled I was whenever Alex kissed me, how excited I was for the concerts that would happen in the upcoming year.

It was exactly when I was considering what a terrible horror it would be to never listen to Reckless Abandon again that my phone vibrated once more, screen informing me that close to twenty minutes had passed since I'd texted Alex last. Normally, this would have had me concerned that he'd decided that I was unthinkably pathetic and he never wanted to talk to me again, but I was so dominated by my damaged brain that I hadn't realized how long had gone by. Alex's message, though, was quite the opposite of what I would have feared.

Alex: Come outside (;.

Thinking that my boyfriend might have literally gone insane, I stumbled to my feet on shaking legs, unstable in every sense of the word and confused. I could do with a cup of ice water and a some painkillers, though, so journeying out front couldn't really be too bad, even if every cell in Alex's brain had died.