Did I F@$%ing Stutter? - Ranting

Sorting Through Things

In a nutshell, everything went downhill from there, though the matter was slightly cleared up. It never should have happened to begin with. I tried to apologize afterwards, already knowing what just happened was uncalled for on top of dragging the other friend away from what he needed to do just to settle the issue was ridiculously unnecessary and stupid, and could have been easily avoided.

Only, I thought it was my second personality that provoked the issue. He was being oddly quiet like he wasn't even there, so I had no real way of knowing and I could only guess and explain based on that and apologize on his behalf.

And then another friend of hers came in after that (who essentially already hates every fiber of my being (and the reasons that were listed when I asked didn't surprise me in the least (let's call him Y))), as well as a friend of A's (and let's call him Z). The conversation that ensued was rather shaky, and a somewhat serious topic. Z was trying to ask something, and Y clearly didn't want to hear what I had to say, so I did feel like I was being interrupted. I don't take interruption well when I'm trying to pull my thoughts together, especially when they were so scattered and unresponsive as it was.

The next response I sent to Y, that I didn't even know I was typing, much less saw before his response to it?

"Shut the hell up, ----"

I thought that definitely had to be my second personality, because it seemed like something he would have said, but I still couldn't communicate with him as the haze had gotten worse. The most I remember saying in response to Y afterwards, I believe, was something to the affect of my comment having nothing to do with whether or not I "asked" for the conversation or the reasons he hates me so much, it was because he kept interrupting me when I was trying to think clearly enough to answer Z's question. Then Y stopped talking. I have absolutely no doubts he was, and is, still furious. He has every right to be. Though I attempted to apologize afterwards, I don't expect forgiveness.

The conversation with Z went on for a bit, and I won't even say what happened there. Let's just say he didn't agree with me and let that be that.

Afterwards my friend ended the stream out of, seemingly, nowhere. I asked if she was alright, twice, but she didn't answer.

And that, was when I finally started to "wake up." I was finally hit with the brunt of what just happened. Whatever happened. I was able to communicate with my second personality again, and he was beyond confused too. Everything I thought he did wasn't him either. But because I still had no idea what really happened, all I could do was apologize because I knew I royally f#$%ed up somehow.

After a while, my friend proceeded to chew me out, which in all respects I deserved.  Most of it I had already knew, meaning I was told by another friend of mine and then I read when someone else was being told the same thing. I had already been working on the flaws she listed. I thought I had slowly but surely been doing better and trying to improve myself on the issues, but clearly I haven't been trying hard enough, fast enough. When it came to the issue concerning butting in to what was between her and her other friend, I already figured out I had majorly screwed up there. Immensely. Though the information I learned based on that was new, nothing else was.

Frankly, I was expecting something far, far, far worse when she told me at the beginning she was going to be blunt. I knew I was in trouble, and that I screwed up, but I couldn't do anything or try to explain myself because I didn't know what happened exactly and I knew anything I had to say to try and defend myself would only make her angrier and not fix anything in the slightest. So I let her chew my eyes and ears off because at the end of the day I deserved it in any case. After all, I completely ruined her day. She was in a great mood, and I managed to destroy it because I couldn't get any sort of control on myself before it happened.

I also apologized to A for setting off Z, though I hadn't meant for that to happen and it just wound up happening that way. She basically said 'it's okay, no worries', but in a way, I doubt that's the case. But since I only just met her today I can only go on face-value.

My friend told me nothing new, she just said it in a far more pissed off way. I got snapped at and there's nothing to do to change it now. But everything that happened today got me thinking.

"What in the blazing hell really happened?"

As I was still waking up from that absolute nightmare, I started wracking my brain to figure out what took place. How it took place. And why. After talking to my mother, explaining what happened concerning me and my second personality, both of us came to a realization after we remembered something we thought was long dead since I was 8-frickin-years-old.

And that would be my third personality.

When I was little, that horrid disgrace of a being was always causing trouble. I would snap at my mother out of nowhere, completely unfounded, among other things, and I would have no memory of it afterwards. All I remember from those times is the memory lapses, not the event itself -which Mom had to fill me in on-. At the time, my second personality didn't exist (at least not consciously).

The third personality is far more vicious than even my second one. It's sly and conniving, and will take any chance it gets to stir up chaos, driving wedges into anything and everything.

When I explained how I couldn't get control of what I was typing and I couldn't even consciously read most of the conversations -my side or theirs- and my second personality was just as confused and disoriented after the event, knowing full well what we had done and said wasn't like either of us, we slowly realized the third personality had made a comeback when we were at our most vulnerable. We were so exhausted and drained, our guard was down and at an all time low. We had no way of defending ourselves, or our friends, from the third personality rearing it's ugly head for the first time in 12 years.

It numbed and blocked both of us from being in control and aware of what we were doing. It took control and used us, and pretended to be us, when we had no energy to stop it or combat it. Akin to some kind of possession.

I finally discovered that's what was so wrong yesterday, and for the past week aside from my energy drain. The third personality was biding it's time, waiting for me to tire myself out so it could make its move. I was going insane because could practically feel it trying to get in my head. But that specifically didn't occur to me at the time, so I wound up ignoring the warning signs and pushed myself so far over the edge I lost the final bit of defense I had against it. And the end results were a pure disaster. And there isn't a single doubt in my mind that if this happens again I'll lose more than my sanity.

It absolutely can not happen again. Once I manage to get my energy back, I'll make for damn sure that third personality can't take over. If it wants to, it'll have to go through every barrier we had before and then fight us tooth and claw.

Now that I know what happens and what to watch for (because I hadn't experienced anything like this before today), there's nothing stopping me from ripping its head off if-and-when it comes back. If I have to drop off the face of the earth to seclude myself and stop this from happening again, I will. This thing needs to be dead and gone. The next time it tries to get in my way will be its last.

Frankly I'm beyond ashamed I let myself get pushed so far and, in the process, set my friend off. None of it should have happened, but I was too busy concerning myself in other affairs to pay attention to the severity of the toll it was taking on me. Of all the idiotic, asinine mistakes I've made, this is the worst by far.

So.

For the most part I've been in a hell of a lot of pain since I started writing this chapter. Dizziness, numbness, and the feeling like railroad spikes have been driven through my arms and elbows. I have a guess or two as to what it's been, but I've just chosen to ignore it because I stopped giving a f#$% and I don't need my mother taking more of it onto herself. She has enough problems as it is without having to deal with the results of my bullsh*t.

I doubt anyone has questions or will want to ask anyway, but if you must then go to personal messaging. Just don't frickin' screw with me.

On to the next chapter.

-April 4th, 2016

~MGPD